In a world where a blockbuster hit film can be based on a painfully boring board game, many believe that the art of cinema has reached a new low. Over the top special effects now reign supreme in the box office, and minor details like a coherent plot and character development seem to have taken a permanent back seat.
While it seems like our generation is constantly being barraged by rushed sequels, reboots of the dumb franchises, and Adam Sandler’s desperate cries of “PLEASE LIKE ME AGAIN!” this influx of terrible cinema is by no means a new phenomenon. Let’s take a look back at some of the rancid garbage that has been passed off as “films” in the years past.
The Gingerdead Man
The Gingerdead Man is the charming story of Gary Busey’s magical transformation from average serial killer to a homicidal gingerbread cookie. I can’t even make this shit up. What follows are 70 minutes of gore, bloodshed, and one-liners so cheesy that the CSI Miami writers would cringe.
In the short span of the film, Busey’s insane cookie character cuts off fingers, crushes skulls with a sledgehammer, and somehow even manages to drive a semi-truck into a character’s torso. The Gingerdead Man is so over the top that it’s hard to believe there is actually a director behind the camera and not just Busey snorting a mountain of cocaine screaming stage directions.
The film is booked as a “horror-comedy” but completely fails on both accounts. Any of the potential terror is lost on the fact that the antagonist is nothing but a voodoo cookie. The only “comedy” to be found are a painful series of snack related puns (“Shut your pie hole,” “It sure ain’t the Pillsbury fucking doughboy,” and “How much dough could we make from a talking cookie?” to name a few).
While “The Gingerdead Man” is stupid, mediocre, and basic on every level, it is still only 70 minutes long and worth the three or four laughs it provides. If seeing celebrities hit rock bottom is your thing, than this Busey classic is your absolute best bet.
“Troll 2” is allegedly the sequel to the 1986 film, “Troll,” though there are no repeating characters, plot points, or even any trolls to be found whatsoever. The movie tells the tale of a small family being haunted by a band of vegetarian Goblins in the abandoned town of Nilbog (Spoiler Alert: it’s Goblin spelled backwards). You may be curious about why Vegetarian Goblins are such a terror, don’t worry they have the technology to transform their human victims into shrubbery to get their fill (I guess there aren’t enough normal plants out there for them to eat?) While it sounds shitty on paper, the true atrocity of this film must be seen to be truly (un)appreciated.
“Troll 2,” as seen in the video above, sports some of the worst acting and special effects ever to grace the silver screen. The original screenplay, titled the far more appropriate “Goblins,” was created as an anti-vegetarian testament written by the director’s wife. Add that with the fact that almost none of the film’s production crew could speak fluent English and you get the 94-minute, forever loathed turd known as “Troll 2.”
This pathetic excuse for a movie has gone onto win severely prestigious “Worst Movie Ever Created” awards, and it surely has deserved every single one. I highly suggest watching this movie under the influence of literally any kind of mind-altering substance, just so you can laugh at the complete stupidity.
Both of the previous films were bad, yes, but at least they offer some entertainment value among their mediocrity. “Zardoz” does no such favors, despite starring the iconic Sean Connery in the lead role. The film is set in a post-apocalypic wasteland and features a band of warriors who worship a giant talking stone head. “The Penis is bad. The Gun is good.” it roars as it spews muskets from its obsidian gullet.
I’m going to be honest with you, I have no idea what this movie is about. The plot is convoluted and confusing, and it completely lacks entertainment value of any kind, aside from the “Penis is bad” line. Sean Connery spends half the movie in some kind of red bondage gear while donning a ponytail, and even his usual badassery can’t save this over-ambitious sci-fi snoozer.
Don’t get fooled by all of the Youtube videos that make this movie seem like it falls in the “so bad it’s good” category. This movie is such a pile of entertainment-free walrus shit that I can’t even think of anything else funny to say about it. Let’s move on.
Mega Shark vs. Mega Octopus
I know some of you may be skipping the videos, but trust me right now, you want to see this one. Besides the obvious lack of attention to the laws of physics, this poorly acted battle movie is exactly as memorable as you would expect a $200 budget Sci-Fi channel film to be. The special effects are so terrible and basic that even audiences from 1992 would scoff at them.
Not only does the Mega Shark jump tens of thousands of feet into the air to take down a jet, but it also demolishes the iconic Golden Gate bridge with one chomp. The “battle” scenes between the mollusk and the monster are nothing more than an awkward bout of CGI reminiscent of a low budget Nintendo 64 game. Every character in the film seems to be based on a stereotype, and you won’t be surprised at all when the “Angry Military Officer” makes a bad decision, or the “Intelligent and Hot Female Scientist” figures out a solution.
The sad thing? If this film had a budget of a few million more, it would be just as good as anything Michael Bay has ever done.
“When gymnastics and Karate are fused…the combustion becomes an explosion. And a new kind of martial arts superhero is born. Gymkata.” That tagline says all you need to know.
“Gymkata” is the only hybrid karate/gymnastic film starring an Olympic gold medalist ever made. Apparently, Mr. Kurt Thomas was short on a bit of cash back in ‘85, couldn’t pawn off his silver medals, and saw this b-movie as his potential savior. Thomas plays the challenging role of, you guessed it, an Olympic gymnast who combines his craft with martial arts into a lethal form of self defense that is only useful if something resembling a vault or pommel horse is nearby. Never in my life have I seen so many overhanging poles that served no purpose other than the Kurt Thomas scissor kick they help deliver.
With it’s hilarious concept, poor acting, and “we don’t give a shit” breed of production quality, “Gymkata” is one of those films you have to see, kind of like a gruesome derailed train disaster. Thomas’ character is asked almost instantly in the film to assist the fake CIA with infiltrating the fictitious country of Parmistan. After an hour and a half of swing kicks, somersaults, and pathetically choreographed knockout scenes, wouldn’t you know it, he succeeds.
I suggest checking out “Gymkata” if you have absolutely nothing better to do and have always had a strange desire to see an Olympic athlete fail miserably at acting. While the film is by no means “good,” “decent,” or even “passable,” it is worth a few laughs seeing the criminal minions fall without being struck, or for counting the amount of unnecessary flips Thomas’ character makes. It’s just a shame that Kurt Thomas had to ruin Olympian acting for everyone, I would have loved to see Michael Phelps in a new Cheech and Chong hit.