5 People I’d Like to Punch in the Face

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We all have those people in our lives who we’d just like to punch in the face for one reason or another, and with zero repercussions – no legal trouble, no retaliation. Nothing. Without further ado, here are the first five that come to mind:

Bill Maher

Bill Maher basically represents everything I don’t. He’s anti-Christian. He’s anti-GOP. He’s anti-anything good and decent. Throw in a know-it-all attitude and a smug demeanor, and we’re talking about one annoying little shit here. It also bothers me that he tries to pull off a power slick. We’re not buying it, Bill. He’s the type of guy that would sue my penis off if I landed one on that twerpy little face of his. This is my game though – a game with no consequences, so I’m unloading on him.

Justin Bieber

I’m saving my right uppercut for this chick. I’m taking two power steps, slightly bending at the knees while tilting my torso forward about 10 to 15 degrees and turning my hips to the right, then squaring back up while coming up with authority – right underneath the chin. I’m going to do my best to take her head clean off.

Why is Biebs slowly morphing into a lesbian? And why am I seemingly the only one noticing? I get it. He’s talented, young, and rich. But at what point will his pants hanging off his ass, his hat cocked to the side with the super bangs hanging down, and his general douchy appearance make everyone start to hate him like I do? He needs an uppercut, and he needs some gusto behind it.

Tom Cruise

Remember when Maverick was the coolest motherfucker in Hollywood? The bomber jacket and aviators look was not only an American staple, but also a representation of the badass American fighter pilot. And Mav was the reason. Now look at him. He’s a super spastic, homo-erotic, Scientology-believing nutjob. All this is enough to warrant a busted lip, but then Bill from the next office over showed me THIS photo shoot he did, and I had to grab my fist, which had subconsciously thrusted toward my computer screen. He’d get it for sure.

Josh Beckett

Just look at his facial hair.

I hate this guy. He’s a great ballplayer, but his douchiness exceeds even his skills on the bump. It’s like he got caught up in the terrible goatee phase and stayed there forever. Most people try some facial hair on for a short stint at some point, usually when they are finally able to grow it in thickly. We let it slide and chalk it up to an awkward phase. Beckett’s been doing for his whole career. He’s committed. That’s the difference. Throw in his braided necklace for good measure, and he’s a shoo-in for a knuckle sandwich. A standard right cross should do the trick.

Michelle Obama

Barack deserves to be on this list, don’t get me wrong, but something about throwing fists at the president of the United States just doesn’t sit well with me. That’s why I’m going after his wife instead. I’m not trying to destroy her face or anything, which really looks like it’s already taken a pounding or two. I’d just like to land a nice, solid left jab square in her mouth, you know, just to let her know I mean business and that the job her hubby is doing running this country is not appreciated. I would intend on drawing blood though, just to be clear.

Note: I have no intentions of harming any of the people mentioned here, nor to I endorse harming them in any way.

Follow me on Twitter @RogerDornTFM

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Roger_Dorn

Roger Dorn (@RogerJDorn) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. He's a native Texan with a full head of hair and knows his way around a nice box of red wine. Dorn graduated (BBA) with a GPA sitting in the meaty part of the bell curve, not lagging behind, but not trying to show off, either. Golf is his game now. He's long off the tee but can't putt for shit. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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  1. 3
    Charles Tonsor

    “I’d just like to land a nice, solid left jab square in her mouth, you know, just to let her know I mean business and that the job her hubby is doing running this country is not appreciated.” I think you meant “ruining” not “running.”

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 3 years ago

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