Everybody on Earth, especially me, needs a nice spoonful of shut the f*** up every now and then. As it happens, some people need a swift kick in the nards more so than most. I’ve gone ahead and picked out several groups of people that I find the most annoying and ranked them in order of insufferability.
You ever see those shirts and bumper stickers that say things along the lines of “I am a runner. I am invincible. I will run until I can’t go any farther, then I will run another mile because I AM A WARRIOR.” Well, I’ve come up with a more honest and accurate version of that.
Running is great and all, but it shouldn’t be your whole identity unless you’re an Olympic sprinter. If it is, you might just be boring. These are the same people who complain when there isn’t a geotag for whatever half-marathon of 5k they happen to be running. Try running into an active volcano next time.
Level of douchebaggery: JJ Watt
People who suck at expressing their thoughts
I’ve been seeing too many tweets like this lately: “I can’t understand how. There is so much violence in the world today.” Why does this need to be two sentences? Nobody who’s legally an adult should be writing like that. It’s also annoying when people phrase everything as a question? Really, that shit sucks.
Level of douchebaggery: Martin Shkreli
People who brag about how bad they are at things
“Oh my god, I’m so bad at driving. It’s a wonder I don’t cause a 40-car pileup every time I’m on the road.” All that does is make me worried to ride in a car with you. People do the same thing with cooking, like it’s some sort of accomplishment to not be able to make toast without burning it. When you say you’re bad at cooking, you’re essentially saying that you can’t follow a simple list of instructions. Congratulations, you’ve somehow eluded natural selection for entirely too long.
Level of douchebaggery: Chris Brown
People who are pretentious about not having/knowing things
“Oh, you have the new iPhone? Yeah, I don’t need a smartphone. I’m perfectly capable of living without one unlike all of you sheep.”
“Harry Potter? Never read the books, never seen the movies. I don’t get what the big deal is anyway.”
It’s fine to not have the latest iPhone or not be caught up on every aspect of pop culture, but you quickly take a nosedive into dickbag territory when you act like you’re somehow better than everyone else because of this. Being willfully ignorant of something should never be a cause for pretension, no matter what it is.
Level of douchebaggery: Kanye West
I’m getting sick of this guy’s shit lately. His “hot takes” are no more than him being as offensive as possible to try and get a rise out of everyone! Whenever people call him out on his bullshit, he’ll get all offended and fight them in the comments. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, Dan, though I know you would love that.
Level of douchebaggery: Dan Regester.
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