Here in America, we have found the perfect woman. She is tall, slender, perfectly proportioned, and best of all, born in 1992. This voluptuous young model graced the most recent cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, and, consequently inspired an unprecedented semen genocide, the likes of which the world has never before seen.
Kate Upton’s image of perfection and beauty can only be a result of one thing: a good old-fashioned American upbringing. While there are many jaw-droppingly attractive foreign women, American culture has captured the quintessential “Girl Next Door.” Kate Upton is a living manifestation of the American ideals for “beauty” and “perfect tits.” It’s only natural that one of the world’s hottest women came from the world’s greatest country.
If the fast food industry is a national treasure, then the Baconator is the crown jewel of modern accomplishment. By cramming two all-beef patties, two slices of processed beyond recognition cheese, and six slices of greasy delicious bacon under the same bun, the Baconator is both simple and innovative beyond mortal comprehension.
The beauty of the Baconator derives from our nation’s passion for the excess. Sure, a normal sub-600-calorie amount of bacon would have been just fine on a sandwich, but here in America we like to take what we need and double it before we can truly be happy.
Hippies might tell you that this mindset is wrong, and that we should take only what we need to survive. To those people, I offer a kind, but stern, “Fuck you.” This is not a country of bare minimums; this is a country where it’s not only okay to succeed, it’s blatantly encouraged. If you want to gorge yourself on a burger topped with an entire pound of crispy pork fat strips, it’s your right as an American to do so.
While the rest of the world follows soccer with incomparable ferocity, we as Americans decided to continue the “fuck what you guys like” philosophy and created our own significantly more brutal interpretation of what a sport should be.
And succeed we did. In a relatively short time, football has become one of the most perfectly exciting, violent, and alcohol-friendly events of our modern era. We even stole the proper name of their pussyfoot sport, presumably just so we could call it, “American Football,” in casual conversation to assert our country’s superiority.
Football is the greatest sport ever created, and fuck you if you disagree. Soccer fans can keep their hooligans and overly-enthusiastic announcers; I’ll take our tailgating and the majestic beauty of a parking lot on game day ten times out of ten.
Michael Bay Movies
Ed. Note: If you do not watch this entire 13 minute clip from “The Rock” then you are, in fact, not a real American.
Here in America, we don’t need our movies to have silly things like character development or logical story progression. We want to cram as many explosions and tits as possible in that one-and-a-half hour window, and fear not, my American friends, for Michael Bay is our savior.
Mr. Bay has made a career out of creating substance-free summer blockbusters that specialize in cataclysmic explosions and strategic, sexually suggestive placement of Megan Fox on a motorcycle. Critics may shun his work, but after a near record breaking $200 million dollar first week for Transformers 2, I think it’s safe to say Michael is in zero-fucks-given mode.
The thing about a Michael Bay movie is that you know what you’re getting into from the moment you see that first trailer. Is this film going to inspire you to glance into your soul or ponder the meaning of life? Probably not, but at least you can see all kinds of shit blow up, and as an American that should be one of your favorite pastimes.
Last but not least, you can’t forget the American institution that is the sole reason this website exists. Modern Greek Life is a completely American phenomenon, and it’s safe to say that through it we have truly mastered as a country what a college experience should be. Greek Life combines the ultimate network, the ultimate social scene, and the ultimate good time into a four-year orgy of pure drunken bliss.
Fraternities and Sororities are a pivotal stepping stone for success in pursuit of the American Dream. Sure, you might be successful and well connected without joining the Greek System, but that’s like saying you could play the PGA tour without a driver. It’s possible, just nowhere near as easy.
While the time spent here may flash by in quarter-blink increments, the lessons learned will remain, even if the brain cells don’t. Like our forefathers, we pledged into a “New World” of our own, and through the hardships we prospered. Greek Life has become the perfect manifestation of American success, and we don’t plan on slowing down anytime soon.