It happens every year. Your buddy starts sending emails and texts out in late July/early August to get the league back together for yet another season of fantasy football. The first few exchanges have the same success rate as a blind man attempting to herd cats with firecrackers – no one really makes a strong commitment and the commissioner is left scrambling to fill all 12 spots. He eventually does, but with one or two unfamiliar faces. Then, a week before the draft, kids like fucking Kyle try to weasel their way into a slot, saying they should be “grandfathered in” because they were there last season. Those unfamiliar faces that responded in a timely fashion get the boot, and before you know it, another fun filled season is under way.
Fantasy football should be an easy home run in terms of enjoyability for a competitive person such as myself. Between all the shit-talking, gambling, booze and pigskin, I should be ecstatic about weekend match ups against my fellow degenerate friends. Proving that your sports knowledge is infinitely superior is extremely important to us men. Fantasy football provides us that opportunity…or does it?
Let the record show that I went 11-2 in the regular season last year, only to run into the buzz saw that was Jamaal Charles against the Oakland Raiders in the fantasy playoffs (I know, “Cool fantasy story, Jack”). My love-hate relationship with this internet sensation has always been on the cusp, but that playoff loss alone drove me right off the hate cliff.
Here’s why you shouldn’t pain yourself with another frustrating season of shitty waiver wire pickups and idiotic team name puns.
1. Staying Loyal To Your Squad
As an Eagles fan, I should be overjoyed seeing Eli Manning slowly walking over to the sideline with his patented look of confusion after throwing yet another interception. Unfortunately, if I had Eli in fantasy, I wouldn’t get to experience the full exuberance that particularly situation should provide. My happiness would be quickly diminished by the realization that I just went down a few points in my matchup. Conversely, if Manning threw a touchdown against the birds, my Philly instincts would kick in and I would throw my remote’s batteries at my 58” TV. I would then have a cracked television screen and mixed emotions about Manning getting me 4-6 points (depending on the league). By not being 100% disgusted by Nate Allen getting burnt on a deep corner again, I feel like less of a fan. Fantasy does this to everyone, and to me, it’s not worth the emotional roller coaster.
2. Too Many Leagues
With fantasy’s explosion in popularity, plenty of people have overindulged themselves. Rather than give their full attention to one, or even two, teams, people join dozens of leagues hoping to increase their chances of taking home a championship. Not only is managing 27 teams an obsession that has reached multiple layers of sadness, it’s also impractical. Not every team of yours is going to be identical, so you’re going to run into conflicts of interests on a regular basis. “Fuck yeah, A.J. Green just took one to the house. Wait, shit…Kyle has A.J. in the keeper league. Fuck me.”
3. Better Gambling Options
Call me old-fashioned, but I like my gambling to include point spreads. Not to mention, I can take home cash on a weekly basis and not wait the entire season to score a one time payout. A fantasy matchup win just doesn’t hold the same elation as cashing in on a three team teaser. Granted, nobody takes out your kneecaps with a steel pipe in fantasy, and that’s why it’ll never be close to the excitement weekly spreads offer.
4. Listening To People’s Fantasy Football Stories
Guess what? No one gives a single fuck what happened in your fantasy matchup this week, so stop talking about it. This is the most intolerable thing about fantasy football.
5. Jamaal Charles
Yes, this is counterintuitive to my previous point, but still, fuck Jamaal Charles.