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5 Reasons Why She’s Sucking

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After a fun-filled five years at the very expensive playground I call college, I give credence to that idea that most women are nuts, but that doesn’t mean their behavior and motives are inexplicable. Since I framed my diploma and moved on to more adult things, like washing my sheets and not pissing off of balconies, I find it increasingly difficult to deal with a girl who just wants to eat ranch on pizza and suck at life all the time.

Maybe, in my insatiable crusade to pad my body count, I didn’t notice it as an undergrad. Maybe I just didn’t care. Despite my abating threshold for what I’m willing to deal with to get some action these days, I realize it’s not all on the girl. It’s easy to dismiss shrew-like behavior as just a byproduct of riding the cotton pony for a week or so out of the month (minus the breath-holding days it’s late), but I’ll give most girls in their early 20s the benefit of the doubt: Their insufferable disposition doesn’t always manifest from profound personality issues.

The reason she acts like such an ogress around you probably stems from something you did or how you come across.

5. You’re too full of yourself.

The cliché that “chicks dig confidence” has a point of diminishing returns. When a degree of acceptable confidence gives way to arrogance, you may find some girls to be turned off in its wake. They may look to take you “down a peg,” or keep your ego “in check.” A huge ego only serves to attract girls with massive insecurities who want to bury their shortcomings in the cockiness a guy exudes (See: daddy issues). More shrewd girls may liken such a vain attitude to veiled insecurity (See: overcompensation).

Worse yet, unbridled arrogance writes a sizable check for your moneymaker to cash and a wide disparity between your perceived self worth and actual performance will surely draw her ire and dampen your chances for a return trip to her bedroom.

4. You slept with her and it wasn’t to snuff.

As Louis C.K. said with eloquence, a girl’s sex life is just a “blizzard of bad dicks” and, if your mere presence turns her into the Abominable Snowmonster of The North from those old Rudolph clay-mations, your South Pole was no exception. Although it’s the epitome of a TFM, some girls just lack patience for guys who oversell and under-deliver, yet still have the cojones to ask if it was good for her, too.

3. It’s her ass-backwards idea of flirting.

Although almost 100 percent of girls that see bitchiness as flirting will blame it on “growing up with brothers,” according to another study I just made up, it’s always attributable to either their modest attempt at disguising a shitty personality or being reared by a father who always wanted a boy and called his daughter “champ” until her 11th birthday. We’re talking the kind of man who signed his girl up for baseball when she was seven and didn’t talk to her for months after her first boyfriend. Now, her idea of flirtation is hitting and name-calling — almost like she’s a guy.

2. You have a history with her friend(s).

What’s the best way to make a girl hate you? Sleep with her friends. Even once can’t be forgiven. You’re forever scarlet lettered as “that dick from Delta that Jill slept with.” And the best way to exacerbate the untenable disdain she’ll ultimately feel is by sleeping with her little. Or “g-little.” Or, better, both of them. Sleeping your way down a sorority tree is among the most contemptible crimes a college man can commit, in the eyes of a sorority, aside from rejecting a girl’s drunken advances.

In that same vein, it’s also a damned double standard. A good friend who I’ve also gotten to know in the biblical sense says she gets “over a guy by getting under his friends.” Sure, in rare instances, sororities may ostracize members for their selective promiscuity — and those outcasts are usually still welcome at any male-hosted event involving enough cheap brew — but a girl guilty of banging a dude and a few of his friends will only be subject to a little gossip and some mutterings among the standards committee.

1. She’s just bitter about not being attractive enough.

Should you ever wonder what inspired the new wave of feminism, look no further than, well, its participants. These bridge trolls resent all born of a Y chromosome because of their own physical shortfalls. Worse, acting like a bitch because of a dearth of attractiveness serves only to diminish what good qualities remain, namely a serviceable-at-best personality. These girls are the ones that see their more attractive friends hitting it off with a guy at the bar before whisking them away for their “own good.” If they aren’t getting any, why should you? A shortage of snu-snu in their lives necessitates being insufferable towards all men they come into contact with.

So, If she’s lacking in the looks department and puts forth a nasty disposition to match, don’t worry, it’s not you. It’s just projection.

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Kramer Smash

Kramer is a future Bachelorette contestant with an affinity for brown girls, who hails from the more successful side of the keystone state. He enjoys long crawls to the liquor cabinet and has only been punched in the face once. Send lovelies to kraysmash@gmail.com

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