Some of you might think that it’s stupid or cliché that I’m making a list about lists. Well fuck you. I write. You read. That’s the pecking order. Besides being meta is in right now. Cracked.com pioneered a winning business model and I’ve seen recent TFM writers (myself included) going to town on the list format like a naked bath salt addict on a homeless man’s face.
1) It’s Easy as Fuck
Do you know how hard it is to constantly keep you heathens entertained? Some days all I want to do is lay back on the couch, pour some bourbon, play with my balls a little bit, and just relax. But No… I’ve got to reach down into the depths of my consciousness and jack off some mental drivel for all of you to bathe in. Sometimes ideas are like a Roman orgy. They start coming and they keep coming and they don’t stop coming. They come everywhere, all over the walls and at the base of an ionic column. But other times, ideas are like whiskey dick. No matter how hard you mercilessly beat your floppy cock of a brain it just won’t rise to the occasion. Lists are like Viagra for writers. You just snort a line and boom! IDEA BONER.
2) It’s ADD Compatible
Lists are perfect for people who read good and want to do other things good too. It’s an easy format that everyone understands, even GDIs. Most college kids have trouble focusing on the simplest shit. People on this site post TL;DR after 800 word columns. Congratulations, you have the reading ability of a janitor who learned English as third language. Half of ya’ll are probably tweaking on Adderall and have the attention span of a rabid pit-bull loose in a maternity ward. I know that some of you struggle with complex paragraphs and coherent plot lines. With lists I can talk for a moment about something and then immediately change to something else without worrying about the details of how I actually changed topics. Watch… I’ll do it now.
3) It Provides an Easily Slamable Structure
Whenever creative ideas forsake me, it’s nice to have a theme that can be reapplied over and over to new topics. You can make lists about anything… “7 Things That Make Your Dick Burn,” “4 Reasons Why Girlfriends Cost More Than Hookers,” “10 Ways to Get Rid of a Body: Hookers, Girlfriends, Pledges, and More!”, “6 Drugs That Guarantee You Will Die in a Hailstorm of Government Bullets,”… the possibilities are limitless. I could make a list entirely devoted to listing ridiculous list topics… which is not such a bad idea.
4) It Gets Me Paid!
Get money, fuck bitches. I’m lucky as hell to be a part of the TFM team. They allow me to turn words into cash. I fill columns with mental masturbation and they give me money. I’m a word whore and I fuckin’ love it. Lists open up easy topics, which allow me to generate them more often. More articles equal more cash. Don’t worry, I’m not getting rich by any means. I assure you that every dollar I earn from TFM goes directly to the purchase of alcohol. I drink all the booze and write drunken late night rants like this one. I sober up, have no more money, publish the article, get paid, and buy more booze… thus completing the circle of alcoholism. It’s magical, really.
5) You Get to Pick This Shit
I know a lot of you don’t like the idea of lists… I didn’t at first, until I realized how fucking easy it is to write them. To make this boring shit more interesting, I want you to pick the next topic. Pick something completely fucking retarded… I don’t care.
I’m a whore, so I might as well start selling out. This is your chance to take some of the content on TFM into your own hands. Leave your stupid ideas in the comments or tweet them to me.
I’m not always a whore… but when I am, I’m a whore for money.
Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory