Most of us subscribe to the Peter Pan “never grow up” model of “dating,” but every once in a while even the most convicted “bro, I’m in college why would I have a girlfriend” dudes crash on the rocks of these sensual sirens. So when your number comes up, let’s make sure the erosion of your personal liberty isn’t totally in vain.
1. She doesn’t have a rubber either.
I’m all for safe sex (as long as pulling out counts as “safe”) but a woman with a box of magnums in her top drawer has spent more time under defensive linemen than any quarterback. The first time I bought condoms — an incredibly uncomfortable story involving a bag of dimes and my grandmother (but we will save that for another time) — I was so uncomfortable that the whole “virginity” thing seemed like a relief. What would possess a girl to buy herself a box? A whole lot of crusty cum inside hers.
Unless you want to run your dick through a dishwasher afterwards, don’t buy the cow when she loves giving (or I guess receiving?) the milk for free.
2. She actually expects to go on dates but isn’t obnoxious about it.
The girl that swiped right and suggests “movie night” at your place is not somebody you want to share a horribly destructive and immature breakup with. Just not worth it. If she doesn’t think she’s worth a mojito and some fried clams before you dive into hers, you’re in for a good night, but a terrible relationship.
Conversely, there has to be a balance. The woman who sees your trust fund as an opportunity as opposed to an aphrodisiac will leave you with an empty wallet and full cock — a diabolical combination.
Trust me, though, “earning it” seems idiotic with the endless array of girls that somehow think “hooking up with someone Tier I” will actually help them somehow, once you do you’re looking at the sort of adventurous sex she’ll claim she’s “never done before with anyone.” And she actually might not be lying.
3. She understands the realities of Greek life.
Junior year, I had a semi-girlfriend that actually expected me to “not hang out with anyone I’ve hooked up with.” Uh, honey, your house has 50 sorority girls over at a time. What the fuck do you think happens? If she’s going to be a control freak and not trust you (regardless of if her concern is warranted), it will never work. You’ll find yourself wasting some of the best times of your life on a doomed “relationship.”
She should be Greek, which, though that makes the odds of you becoming eskimo brothers with a brother far higher, but at least guarantees she’s hot enough to be tier I and understands the realities of Greek life. Don’t be the guy watching Amy Schumer pretend someone would have sex with her while the house is having a braless bonanza. Trust me.
4. She is not immediately down with #ButtStuff2K16.
I know this sounds like blasphemy, but piggybacking off of Dan Regester’s ode to the vagina amidst the complications of traveling the Hershey highway, a girl you want to date doesn’t think “playing doctor” means proctologist. Do you really want your fraternity rival having the trump card (no pun intended) of Sasha Gray’ing your girl?
While, again, like Vinny Chase getting into acting “so I never would have to work,” most of us realize our letters are a ticket on a 4 year train of commitment-less sex someday some poor schmuck will hope his wife didn’t hop on, a girl that says, “What the fuck are you doing?” during the inevitable drunken attempt, is not a bad thing.
Plus, being her Christopher Columbus (the first to discover and raid her new frontier) will be the real “Thanksgiving” day for you.
5. She understands sports, or at least your need to watch them.
I’m not talking about some softball playing feminazi with a bench press, but a girl who sees Kobe Bryant drop 60 in his final game and doesn’t ask, “Are there four periods in this?” in the second quarter. Sports, especially at a football or basketball powerhouse, will always be important, and if you’re like me your Bovada habit makes even a Tuesday night Pelicans Nets matchup a must watch. She’s got to understand that (and of course your vices.)
The girl that watches the NBA playoffs all day, then comes to bed in a jersey and heels? Definite keeper. Well, at least for a couple weeks..