If you’re like me and lack the socioeconomic status, superior genetics, and/or social skills to find yourself surrounded by women on some tropical beach during spring break, then you’ve come to the right place. I know the idea of going home for an entire week, only to play with yourself in your childhood bedroom while your parents are upstairs getting fucked up off Yellow Tail and watching M.A.S.H. re-runs, is enough to make any adult male weep (sorry, Mom and Dad). Things are going to be fine, so stop being a pussy and start acting like you’ve seen one before.
Follow these steps and you just might find yourself getting lucky in the same bed that your grandma used to sleep in when she’d come to visit for the holidays:
1. I’m going to get this out of the way first. Do not, I repeat DO NOT, hit up the girl that you made out with in the back of your mom’s car after prom three years ago. The chances you had of banging her peaked in the backseat of that 2013 Civic. She’s probably moved on to some high-caliber, Ryan Reynolds type of dude. Or she’s still living with her parents and working at a coffee stand where she gets hit on by the same 54-year-old guy every day at 8:12 a.m. Either way, you’d be wasting your time.
2. Tinder is your ladder to success. If you don’t have a Tinder, this won’t work. If you do have a Tinder, you’re gonna need to make some changes to it. No girl from your hometown will want to hook up with you after seeing the pic of you and your boys shotgunning Busch next to the stuffed moose head that’s mounted in your house. Hometown girls think that gentlemen still exist. Try to play off of that delusion.
3. Once your Tinder is on point, swipe right until you run out of swipes. You gotta rack up as many matches as possible. The match-to-lay ratio goes wayyyyyyy down when girls realize that you’re trying to hook up with them in the room next to where your sister is sleeping. You will be turned down more than once.
4. You might have to relive the good ol’ days of getting busy in a car, especially if you have no way of sneaking a girl into your home. Plan B is car sex. Plan B should always be car sex. If you don’t have car sex as your backup, then you don’t deserve to be having sex in the first place.
5. Be prepared to lower your standards. Spring break at home is mind numbing. You can only jerk off so many times before it starts to hurt. If you want your “healthy” sex life to continue, you might have to bang a five or lower. But look, there’s no shame in that. We’re talking about life or death here.
I realize that this list is just a drawn-out advertisement for Tinder, but I owe a lot to Tinder, so deal with it. Good luck finding a girl to bring back to your mom and dad’s (without ever actually meeting your mom and dad). It’s a lot easier said than done, and, as with most things, practice makes perfect. Just make sure you get a rain jacket on your peter before you dive deep. The last thing you want is to come home from college free of STDs, only to catch one in the same house that you were conceived in..
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