5 Things I Learned About 5 Things, You Guys

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Karl

by Karl Welzein
Author of POWER MOVES: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style
Now available from HarperCollins’ It Books at www.karlwelzein.com

Karl “K-Money” Welzein here with some tips from a real bad boy who’s seen a million faces, and rocked ‘em all. Heard that sometimes at graduations they bring in some sorta big shot know it all to give everybody a big fancy pants talk ‘bout how “life is hard” and “you’re gonna learn new crap about life soon” and “get ready for some stuff to suck but some stuff to suck less.” Then they tell you a made up story ‘bout how “when they were your age they watched some old person bite it and it was sad,” or about “a puppy they had who saved the day,” or some other load, then they snatch their fat check and take a private Hummer limo filled with university funded complimentary nose candy that takes ‘em to their fancy pad complete with a pool AND probably a Jacuzzi filled with babes. It’s a big scam, you guys.

Always thought I’d be a good speaker for inspirations. Really cut to the meat. Get in everyone’s face ‘bout how it is, how it was, and how it shall be, bad boy style. So, if anyone gots a hookup, I’m available to let people know, “what’s up.” ($$$ accepted for knowledge, you guys.)

HERE’S 5 THINGS I LEARNED ‘BOUT 5 THINGS: (You’ll know all this crap someday, but I’ll just tell you now so you’re not goin’ ‘round actin’ like a corncob)

BOOZE:

1. Sorry, kinda bombed. Just gonna skip #1 for now. Might just come back to it later with more cocktails in me when my mind is more opened up to innovative thoughts without boundaries.

2. Know when to buy the next round. Don’t be some cheap load about it. If you wanna be a cheap load, just go drink in your parked car by yourself. ‘Course, nothin’ really that wrong with that, responsibly. Had me some rockin’ times of reflection solo in my Sebring, blarin’ Seger ‘til the sun came up.

3. Don’t be some crybaby weirdo ‘bout what kinda beer brand it is if someone gives you a cold one. So weak. It’s beer. Drink it. Idiot.

4. There’s a big difference between bein’ a “drunk” and bein’ some street animal “alcoholic.”

If you can still make it to your crappy job and get the bare minimum done, then you’re probably just a good time drunk who likes to keep things loose and conversational.

If you can’t afford to buy booze any more ‘cause you lost your job, you’re an alcoholic.

5. Miller Lite is a babe beer and if you wanna pound ‘em ‘cause they’re refreshin’, do it in the privacy of your own home. Ain’t no babes gonna crave your late night caress if they think you might be wearin’ panties that are pinker than theirs.

BABES:

1. When you’re out cruisin’ and peepin’, nothin’ gets the attention of a babe like “Captain Karl’s Carnal Trifecta”:
-Slow down
-Honk
-Ease down shades

You’ll be earnin’ interest like a bank boss. Or givin’ it out? Either way.

2. Make sure you keep your peener and veggies fresh and on point at ALL times. You never know when an everyday situaish could turn into steamy carnal passions when your vibes are on point. Almost got carnal in a supermarket one time with this babe, Mega Buttcheeks. Man. Ended up havin’ “hot dog” carnal passions at another time. All peener and buns. Pretty raunchy. Just a little somethin’ between us. Guy code.

3. Kate Upton is so smokin’. As you get older, you realize that the way to go is thick and natural with all the toppings.

4. Babes like crap from Zales or Jared or Kay ‘cause TV tells ‘em to. Just get whatever diamond pendant is second cheapest so it looks like you care. It’s perfect for ANY romantic occasion where you gotta “remember” the date of it.

5. You gotta respect the ladies.

TAKIN’ A CRAP:

1. Flush twice and you won’t have to plunge once.

2. Odds are, ain’t no special challenged people gonna be linin’ up for the handicrapper, so if it’s available, feel free to spread out and enjoy the real estate while you’re gruntin’. If I ever get my restaurant, “Captain Karl’s Pizza Ship,” up and runnin’, I guarantee there’ll ONLY be handicrapper sized stalls. Might make the john almost as big as the bar & grill so folks feel comfortable. Don’t want customers runnin’ home to squat when they could be chillin’ all night long at your establishment.

3. If you got an emergency situaish brewin’ and your roommate Dave is locked in the john, maybe havin’ a solo carnal passions sesh, just go ahead and kick the door down, Steven Seagal style, and worry about it later.

4. Chewin’ a whole pack of Big Red gum works great for keepin’ relaxed when pushin’ out a hard one, as well as keepin’ the air quality on point for stall neighbors. Or possibly, the lady who’s next in line if you’re usin’ a uni. (See #5 of “BABES”)

5. Takin’ a crap in a urinal is better than takin’ a crap in your pants like an animal.

STYLE:

1. Wearin’ boots with jean shorts says, “I like to keep cool, but I’m ready if the action gets hot.”

2. I learned a lot more ‘bout how to carry myself in a professional manner from watchin’ “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair than from any stupid fashion mag.

3. You think Bob Seger cares about what you think about what he’s wearin’? No. ‘Cause Bob Seger don’t have to. Strive to not have to.

4. If you should have the need to attend a formal occasion, Craig Sager is an inspiration on how to keep your look on point for the modern man.

5. Cut off your sleeves.

USA:

1. Everyone else can suck it.

2. America.

3. Kate Upton. Man.

4. Bob Seger.

5. Kate Upton’s USA chest beefers are just outta bounds. So ripe, you guys.

United We Rock,
Karl Welzein
President and CEO of Bad Boy City, USA.

Invest in Karl Welzein’s new book: POWER MOVES: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style now available from HarperCollins’ It Books at www.karlwelzein.com

***

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  1. 61
    shooter

    The K-Money Triple Crown for pickin’ up primo babes: 1) Power point. 2) Flex a ‘cep. 3) Ease down shades.

    So money, you guys.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
  2. 21
    Sloth

    Bit of real-life trivia the TFM Staff is welcome to share with the author: Karl’s summer-long celebraish of “BL ‘Nums” (“gets you homeless drunk with a touch of class”) and “BL Margs” last year had ad agencies working for a certain beer icon in absolute terror that some upstart was going to steal everyone’s business with a “campaign” that went legitimately “viral.”

    May or may not have attended a meeting where corporate produced those tweets and asked why our own copy sucked in comparison. Frat on, gentlemen.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago

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