5 Tips To Make Sure Your Boys Know You Pull

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You know all that sex you’ve definitely been having? For some reason, none of your boys believe that you’re getting some on the reg. Is it because all the girls you claim are lusting for your meat have denied ever meeting you? Probably. Maybe it’s because the other ones, total dimes, might I add, go to a different school. It’s just how you roll. Still, it’s imperative that people know how much ass you’re getting, and I’m here to make sure you teach them good.

1. Crank Up The Volume

Even if your non-inflatable partner is a pretty quiet lay, you need to go at it like a coked out Northern buffed-cheeked gibbon. Yelling, loud music, and occasional hard slaps to your own face are sure to get people to prick up their ears while you put your prick up your lady. The only proper genre of tunes to bump while you make the nasty is thrash metal, so that your screams can mingle in with those of the musicians. This will get your buddies raging face and the woman underneath you making some music of her own. Be sure to punctuate every climax with a bloodcurdling cry to alert passing peers of your ropey loads.

2. Hold On To Souvenirs

You know this better than anyone, stud, but ladies are big fans of undergarments. Despite their affection for these articles of clothing, it’s not uncommon for such items to go missing throughout the course of a night. Keep them. Not to make a scrapbook, silly goose, but to leave in and around your room. Nothing screams “I crush puss!” like a room full of women’s underwear. If your girls prefer to go commando, buy your own. You can find panties for prices ranging from five to upwards of one hundred dollars at any number of fine locations. Maybe your local mall.

3. Photo Evidence

Keeping multiple hard copies of your various conquests scattered throughout the house is a power move. Nobody can fuck with you after they witness a well-made collage of all those hotties who have seen your wiener. If you’re not the artistic type, you can always just change your screensaver to a slideshow of their various Facebook photos and leave your computer in a common area. People will be wondering which guy has slain all that sweet trim, but if you’ve pulled off steps one and two properly, they’ll know it’s the biggest player on campus — you.

4. Lock It Down

After you’ve cemented your status as a sex god, you need to drop off the grid. Keep your door locked at all times and stay in your room regardless of the situation. Party? Locked door. Emergency chapter meeting? Locked door. FBI investigation? Locked door. This will only add to your mystique, since people will slowly realize that nothing can pull you away from an unending marathon of poon. The rumors surrounding the locked door will spread across campus like wildfire, and soon every brother but you will be unable to get any. When you’re the only game in town, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

5. Show Off Your Knowledge

The mystery period is over, and it’s time to make it all come together. Nothing is sexier to women than a big brain and confidence, so when you encounter the few ladies that were still willing to hang out with men of lesser caliber, you need to flaunt that shit. Make sure you compliment them on their soft, supple skin and beautiful curves. Before you know it, they’ll be quivering with such anticipation that you could probably wear them like a suit right then and there.

Follow these tips, and you’re guaranteed to be the talk of the town. Before long, everyone across the nation will be well aware of your unmatched reputation and prowess. After all, it’s more important that everyone else knows how good you are at sex than it is to actually have it, right?

Go get ‘em, killer.

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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