50 Things I Learned in College…For Her
1. When a girl runs to the bathroom hurriedly, pushing people out of the way, let her cut the line if you want to avoid puke on your shoes.
2. At least 3 girls in your sorority have had a nose job.
3. Rompers don’t work on everyone.
4. Tonic has calories. Club soda does not.
5. There’s a very fine line between classy and boring. Make sure you’re not on the wrong side of it.
6. Not shaving will not prevent you from hooking up with someone. It will only give you razor bumps because you shaved drunkenly in a minute and 34 seconds…or even worse, you’ll forget about it until it’s too late.
7. Kate Hudson named Matthew McConaughey’s penis and they ended up together. You will not.
8. Do not assume that your roommate finished gluing down all the rhinestones on the craft she left in the middle of the room.
9. Do NOT back-sass a senior. They actually do know better.
10. If you ever meet the inventor of Crystal Light, remember to thank him.
11. Never bring up the “us” conversation. EVER.
12. It doesn’t matter if they “technically weren’t even dating.” If you hook up with a sister’s boy, you’re wrong.
13. Save most of your pregaming for the bus if the venue is more than 20 minutes away. It’s a lot harder for us to pee in a moving vehicle than it is for boys.
14. If you go to an on-campus theme party, plan to stay there all night. You WILL look like a fool if you show up somewhere that isn’t a tight and bright mixer in a hot pink sequin dress, teal tights, and yellow patent leather stilettos.
15. There is ABSOLUTELY a girl in your sorority who owns a hot pink sequin dress, teal tights, and yellow patent leather stilettos. Don’t ask why, just ask to shop in her closet before mixers.
16. “I’m a senior” is a valid excuse for anything and everything.
17. Taking you out to dinner one time takes very little thought and only about two hours of his time. Don’t assume it means anything.
18. Get close with your g-big/g-little.
19. Rankings matter. But if they are the only thing that matters you’re really missing the point.
20. If you’re a senior, and you still like home more than school, I feel sorry for you.
21. There’s something I just don’t trust about people who don’t drink.
22. There’s always someone uglier. There’s also always someone prettier.
23. There’s a difference between “liking assholes” and putting yourself in situations that feel like actual torture and are literally damaging to your psyche. Learn the difference, and stay away from the guy who’s fucking you up.
24. His ex isn’t crazy for hating you. You’d hate you too.
25. Girls who take pictures of themselves should not be trusted.
26. Very few college guys know what they’re doing in bed.
27. Incessantly preaching about class is just about the most classless thing you can do.
28. The only people bitchier than sorority girls are gay guys. Don’t piss them off.
29. You’re going to have a friend who repeatedly makes the same mistake with the same guy. Yes, you told her a million times to stop, you’re frustrated, and she’s going to end up hurt. But if you make her feel judged and like she can’t talk to you about it, she’ll end up hurt alone.
30. Walks of shame are miserable. Don’t go home with him if you haven’t ensured a ride.
31. The best response is no response.
32. If you drink too much, you’ll ruin your shoes. If you don’t drink enough, you’ll ruin your feet.
33. No matter who you’re talking to, they probably don’t care about how much you love your little.
34. The bus driver is almost always willing to drink with everyone on the bus. Keep the boys away from him.
35. A lot of girls start to suck once they have a boyfriend. Don’t be one of them.
36. Sometimes “I was drunk” is the only answer you have. Use it sparingly. Use it wisely.
37. When in doubt, don’t text him.
38. Calling a guy short is the male equivalent of calling a girl fat.
39. If he texts you on a Wednesday afternoon…it just means he was bored on a Wednesday afternoon.
40. Boys don’t like it when you throw up cheez-its on their couch.
41. Hair grows.
42. If one girl hates you, she’s probably jealous. If a lot of girls hate you, you should take a look at yourself.
43. There’s nothing quite like getting drunk on a patio.
44. Gay guys make AWESOME dates…as long as you’re not interested in MO’ing.
45. If you need your wallet when you go out at night, you’re doing it wrong.
46. Blackout you, drunk you, and even tipsy you should never be trusted with your cell phone. Hungover you will have to deal with it. And that bitch has enough on her plate.
47. Sex with an ex usually starts out as a great idea. Most bad ideas do.
48. Don’t ever skip out on a formal unless you have a damn good reason.
49. Having big boobs is like having a magic power.
50. You’ll miss blacking out with your bests at your favorite bar or at a mixer. But I promise you, you’ll miss the times you cuddled with each other in bed all day, chatting about everything and giggling about nothing INFINITELY more. Make time for both, and cherish it.
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