50 Things I Learned in College
1. There is always an excuse to get drunk.
2. Biting a stripper’s nipple is frowned upon.
3. Sometimes you just have to puke and rally.
4. You can’t get into an Obama rally wearing camo and McCain/Palin “Drill Baby Drill” t-shirts.
5. If everyone hates the girl you’re talking to, it’s time to re-evaluate the relationship.
6. Stealing mailboxes is a serious offense in Georgia.
7. If you road trip to an opposing football team’s town, talk as much shit as humanly possible.
8. Beer just plain tastes better in a 40oz serving size.
9. Country Time Lemonade is the greatest punch mixer ever conceived.
10. Shotgunning an original 4 Loko is generally a bad idea.
11. Signing a lease at the fraternity house is like signing away your liver and sleep schedule.
12. Being the coolest pledge is as impressive as winning a Steve Buscemi lookalike contest.
13. Need something? There’s a pledge for that.
14. Drywall and duct tape are the band-aids of fraternity houses.
15. It’s pretty easy to “accidentally” knock over a longboarder.
16. Older brothers are always going to say things were better back in their day.
17. Always break the urinary seal before bed after a night of drinking.
18. Saving your money has never lead to a cool story.
19. The best way to elude a hangover is to start drinking as soon as you wake up.
20. Becoming the drunkest people at a NASCAR race is a difficult but rewarding experience.
21. Making your pledges practice DUI sobriety tests could save their lives one day. Also, it’s funny as hell to watch.
22. “YOLO” is just the girl way of saying “Don’t be a pussy.”
23. Sorority row is the ideal place to take a puppy for a walk.
24. Touchscreen Jukeboxes give way too much power to people with a lot of $1 bills and horrible taste in music.
25. Even shitty sororities have the occasional smoking hot sister.
26. Going out for “just a drink or two” never actually happens.
27. Four years sounds like a long time; it isn’t (neither is five, six is though).
28. Never forget your dip for a long trip to the library.
29. Be sure you check a girl thoroughly for physical deformities before you talk to her all night. Chances are, she’s good at hiding it.
30. You can always be happy at Happy Hour.
31. Never trust a LifeStyles condom.
32. A fifth of liquor on an empty stomach leads to an interesting night.
33. Don’t wear your Costas to Happy Hour if you plan on drinking all night. They will break.
34. If you drunkenly chip a pledge brother’s tooth, you deserve it when he pushes you into a retention pond.
35. A .40 BAC doesn’t always lead to death.
36. Bringing a breathalyzer to a fraternity house is an extremely dangerous move.
37. No matter how many girls in a sorority you piss off, there will always be one that will still sleep with you.
38. The Fire Marshal doesn’t appreciate DayGlos the same way we do.
39. Every Nintendo 64 game can be turned into a drinking game.
40. Anything can be turned into a drinking game.
41. Sorority girls’ moms love attention.
42. Never invite your attractive freshman sister to the fraternity house.
43. Dont tell anyone you have an attractive little sister.
44. College football is the greatest thing on Earth.
45. Pledging is fun, but you don’t realize it until after initiation.
46. You will never have the loudest speakers in the house for long.
47. Dorm life is fucking terrible.
48. Intramural refs deserve to have their testicles removed by a pair of hedge trimmers.
49. Every house should have a Belushi-esque fat brother.
50. You don’t get to go to college twice. Drink every time you can, go on every ridiculous road trip, and have the time of your life on a daily basis. This is not real life, celebrate accordingly.