50 Ways To Be The Perfect College Girlfriend

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Nice Move


1. Be younger than us.

2. Enjoy whiskey.

3. Be able to shotgun a beer at a reasonable pace.

4. Handle your alcohol.

5. Don’t be an emotional drunk.

6. There’s nothing less sexy than insecurity. Except maybe love handles.

7. Make us work for it. But only a little bit.

8. Be nice to our pledges…just not TOO nice.

9. Hook our friends up with your friends.

10. Understand the rules of football.

11. Don’t be clingy.

12. Be someone we’d want to hang out with sober.

13. Don’t have annoying friends.

14. You don’t have to like beer, but at least tolerate it.

15. Have an attractive mother. Trust me, it’s important.

16. Don’t rush the initial “girlfriend” talk.

17. Have a fake ID.

18. It should go without saying, but be in a sorority.

19. Bake us something from scratch.

20. Don’t look like you just rolled out of bed in class.

21. Help us study (read: sell us your or your friends’ adderall).

22. Nurse us back to health on Sunday mornings.

23. Don’t go through our phones. We might not have anything to hide but we still fucking hate it.

24. If you choose to wear heels, don’t complain to us when they’re uncomfortable.

25. We don’t need to know the specifics of your period. A simple warning will do.

26. Keep your rabid insatiable love for Luke Bryan to yourself, and off of our iPhones.

27. Never ask us to watch “Magic Mike” with you. It isn’t going to happen.

28. Eventually we’re going to ask you for a threesome. Either accept or divert our attention with a blowjob. No tantrum necessary.

29. Before you do anything, ask yourself “Would a psychopath do this?”

30. Don’t make our brothers hate you.

31. Warn us if you’ve hooked up with one of our fraternity brothers.

32. Don’t expect us to take you on 8 dates a week.

33. Make sure our dog likes you.

34. Keep your downstairs tidy.

35. Remember that you’re our girlfriend, not our mother.

36. If we stop texting you, assume we’re just asleep until we’ve given you reason to think otherwise.

37. Unless we bring her up, don’t talk about our ex-girlfriend.

38. Don’t talk about your ex-boyfriend, unless it’s to tell us how much better we are.

39. If you ask us how many people we’ve had sex with, you can’t get mad at the answer. Ignorance is bliss.

40. Lie about how many people you’ve had sex with.

41. Make sure our formal cooler doesn’t look like a five year-old fingerpainted it.

42. We hate condoms, and everyone hates abortions. You’re a grown up now, it’s time to get on the pill.

43. Look good naked.

44. Realize #43 applies to the entire relationship, not just the beginning.

45. We will never be Channing Tatum. Deal with it.

46. Morning blowjobs.

47. Afternoon blowjobs.

48. Evening blowjobs.

49. Did I mention blowjobs?

50. Be spontaneous. Refer to #46-49 for ideas.



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  1. 589

    hey can i work for total frat move? i make lists.

    1. haze the balls off the intern
    2. beat dorn in golden tee
    3. steal the new TFM sign
    4. have lots of sexy sex because i work at TFM

    thanks for your consideration

    your pal,

    just kidding fuck you

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 3 years ago
  2. 549

    The list in one:
    1. Be incredibly unoriginal, meet the standards that the majority of people strive for and stand out in no way except for being exceptionally bland. Meet my every expectation of a sexual object and stray from my ideals as little as possible. Define yourself as a function of how your existence complements mine. In other words, be a stepford wife, and express no beauty besides what is generally accepted by the majority and promoted by mainstream media.

    Pro-tip: you can have a personality, just don’t show it if I don’t like it.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 3 years ago
    • 245

      dude i feel you. it’s like why can’t i just fuck my mom right? how hard is it to find a girl who will treat you like you’re still 5 AND pretend my dick satisfies her. like i banged this chick last night and she started like talking about intelligent shit you know? and i was like BITCH please stop talking before i admit that you’re way smarter than me and i realize i’m dense as fuck and my only identity is the friends i pay for.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 7 months ago
  3. 395

    This is one of the most disgusting posts i have ever seen. Men now think it’s acceptable to treat women like shit because of posts like this. Clearly you haven’t met an actual woman yet if this is your fucking expectation. You’re in a frat to mask your own insecurities (small penis) and how would you feel if someone treated your mom or sisters like this? Once you are out of college you aren’t going to have the insecure frat groupies hanging around your house every weekend for parties and free shit, there are going to be actual women who are strong and independent who don’t put up with bullshit like this from guys who are assholes and don’t know how to treat a woman. This makes me absolutely sick and ashamed that men like you act this way. Where did you learn to treat a woman like this? You do not own her, you are equals. You fucking piece of shit.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
    • -27

      I think it was funny to read but honestly there are some crazy girls out there. You don’t tell anyone but your buddies about the time you got head riding home from to a party while your friend was in the back banging his date’s lights out, but it happened. And it’s probably not the craziest thing you experienced in college.

      I’d hope this article is just a joke as it is the kind of thing that is generally posted here. You can’t really take it too serious.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 7 months ago
    • -31

      I didn’t think a single person read this without understanding that it’s supposed to be funny, ironic, and in no way serious.

      Until now. You’re on TFM, not Business Insider. This is not a serious article.

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 7 months ago
    • -143

      wtf….i bet you’re one of those “totes EMPOWEEEEEEREEEEED” types…they always go on about being independent but when you listen to how they react to stuff like this you can always sense the disappointment in not being “taken care of” or “treated lovingly” or some crap…Most guys are like that…the ones that aren’t,the “nice ones” don’t act like it because they can’t (i.e. they’re fat and ugly and wimpy and have nothing going for them and they know they can’t get away with it)…instead of being so “offended” about it, how about you embrace reality a little?No ones forcing you to do anything on that list- heck you’d have to be the most retarded skank on the planet to even consider it

      ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago
  4. 157

    Terrible Article, completely misogynistic (women aren’t here to serve you, pigs). Also the girls in the pictures are about 16. I went to HS with them. Stop being creepy.

    ^ ThisTake a lapLog in or sign up to reply. • 1 year ago

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