50 Ways To Be The Perfect College Girlfriend
1. Be younger than us.
2. Enjoy whiskey.
3. Be able to shotgun a beer at a reasonable pace.
4. Handle your alcohol.
5. Don’t be an emotional drunk.
6. There’s nothing less sexy than insecurity. Except maybe love handles.
7. Make us work for it. But only a little bit.
8. Be nice to our pledges…just not TOO nice.
9. Hook our friends up with your friends.
10. Understand the rules of football.
11. Don’t be clingy.
12. Be someone we’d want to hang out with sober.
13. Don’t have annoying friends.
14. You don’t have to like beer, but at least tolerate it.
15. Have an attractive mother. Trust me, it’s important.
16. Don’t rush the initial “girlfriend” talk.
17. Have a fake ID.
18. It should go without saying, but be in a sorority.
19. Bake us something from scratch.
20. Don’t look like you just rolled out of bed in class.
21. Help us study (read: sell us your or your friends’ adderall).
22. Nurse us back to health on Sunday mornings.
23. Don’t go through our phones. We might not have anything to hide but we still fucking hate it.
24. If you choose to wear heels, don’t complain to us when they’re uncomfortable.
25. We don’t need to know the specifics of your period. A simple warning will do.
26. Keep your rabid insatiable love for Luke Bryan to yourself, and off of our iPhones.
27. Never ask us to watch “Magic Mike” with you. It isn’t going to happen.
28. Eventually we’re going to ask you for a threesome. Either accept or divert our attention with a blowjob. No tantrum necessary.
29. Before you do anything, ask yourself “Would a psychopath do this?”
30. Don’t make our brothers hate you.
31. Warn us if you’ve hooked up with one of our fraternity brothers.
32. Don’t expect us to take you on 8 dates a week.
33. Make sure our dog likes you.
34. Keep your downstairs tidy.
35. Remember that you’re our girlfriend, not our mother.
36. If we stop texting you, assume we’re just asleep until we’ve given you reason to think otherwise.
37. Unless we bring her up, don’t talk about our ex-girlfriend.
38. Don’t talk about your ex-boyfriend, unless it’s to tell us how much better we are.
39. If you ask us how many people we’ve had sex with, you can’t get mad at the answer. Ignorance is bliss.
40. Lie about how many people you’ve had sex with.
41. Make sure our formal cooler doesn’t look like a five year-old fingerpainted it.
42. We hate condoms, and everyone hates abortions. You’re a grown up now, it’s time to get on the pill.
43. Look good naked.
44. Realize #43 applies to the entire relationship, not just the beginning.
45. We will never be Channing Tatum. Deal with it.
46. Morning blowjobs.
47. Afternoon blowjobs.
48. Evening blowjobs.
49. Did I mention blowjobs?
50. Be spontaneous. Refer to #46-49 for ideas.