6 Alumni You’ll Inevitably Meet At Your Tailgate

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College football is back and all is right in the world again. With college football comes tailgating. You know what that means: random alumni. Soon, at campuses all across the country, fraternity alumni will be headed back to their alma maters to watch their team and relive their glory days. Not all alumni are the same, though. There are a few different types.

The Guy Who Can’t Admit He Graduated

This dude is probably a year or two out of college. He hasn’t come to terms with the fact that he’s no longer an active member of the house. He’ll be hazing pledges, talking shit to other chapters, and trying to do anything to show that he’s still one of the guys. He has a decent paying job, which means he’ll be likely to pick up the bar tab. It’s best to just let him live it up for a weekend. Come Monday, he’ll be back in the hell that is the corporate world.

The Guy Who’s Too Old For This Shit

This is the guy who was a senior when you were a freshman. Plain and simple, he can’t keep up. A couple years in the working world have turned his once impressive tolerance into a pathetic skeleton of what it used to be. After a few beers, he’ll be done. You’ll probably find him passed out in a folding chair a few hours into the tailgate. He’ll try to keep up, but he’ll fail miserably. It’s a young man’s game, and he just can’t compete.

The “Back In My Day” Guy

This guy is a huge pain in the ass. Everything about your tailgate, and about your fraternity in general, is wrong. It was better back when he was an active. He’ll be correcting your exec board, criticizing your event planner, and constantly reminding the pledges how much harder he had it back in his day. Nothing will satisfy him, so you’re better off just nodding your head in feigned agreement with all his outrageous claims. Chances are he was a loser back in his day anyway.

The Dad

This guy got married a few years after he graduated. He’s still relatively young, but he already has a kid. He’s brought his wife and infant child to the tailgate. He’s reminding you to watch your language and behavior because, you know, there’s a kid there. After a few drinks, he’ll be back to his old ways. It’ll be a full on “Frank the Tank” situation. Once it hits the lips, guys. He’ll soon be hitting on girls ten years his junior, much to his wife’s dismay. Don’t worry, though. The girls at your tailgate will love his kid. So you’ve got that going for you.

The Guy Nobody Knows

This dude graduated back in ’06. The fifth years when you were a pledge are the only ones who’ve ever heard of him. Even they don’t know who the fuck he is. He’ll give the grip to prove he’s a brother, but other than that, nobody will have anything in common with him. He’s out of touch with the modern scene. Chances are he’ll get too fucked up and become a hindrance. He’s almost at the midlife crisis stage. He needs this.

The Trainwreck

This is the guy who works a pretty stressful job. He’s got to be uptight during the work week. When he comes down to tailgate, he turns into a drunken tornado of destruction. He’s the guy who’ll be ripping shots before the sun comes up. He’ll be shitfaced by noon. He’ll start fights sigh old rivals, flip tables, and essentially be the Risk Manager’s worst nightmare. There’s not much your poor Risk Manager can do, though. This guy is a big donor. You don’t want to piss him off.

You’re going to encounter a lot of alumni at tailgates and games. Shake their hands, get to know them, and just realize that they’re jealous of you and the life you live.

BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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