Sometimes dating apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge work out really well. Like when you match with a hottie named Phil (presumably short for Philomena), take her out to dinner, hit it off, and then she comes back to your room in the fraternity house for some forced conversation and a digestif (that’s an after-dinner drink, you troglodytes). Then, you say to her, “I hope you liked that digestif. You know what I’d like? A diges-queef,” and shoot her a wink. She decides to grant your wish, so you grab her by the hand and lead her to your bed.
And sometimes dating apps don’t work out, like when you never actually confirmed with Phil that her full name was Philomena, and it turns out that she’s a bit of a freak and demands that you scream out her name as you’re banging her.
“OH YEAH, PHIL! YEAH, PHIL! I LOVE IT WHEN YOU’RE ON TOP, PHIL! YOU’RE MAKING ME CUM, PHIIIIIIILLLLLL!”
Well, it turns out that your slightly below average penis and slightly above-average sexual incapacity just weren’t doing it for Phil, who got up in the middle of the night, collected her belongings, and left the fraternity house, un-matching you on Tinder on the way out. Now, not only do all your fraternity brothers, who you awoke last night with your ear-piercing screams, think you got railed out by some bear named Phil last night, you have no evidence to the contrary. It doesn’t matter, though — you had sex.
Because dating apps, with their inherent flaws, still work out many times, I believe we need more of them, and a more diverse selection to choose from. Here are 6 dating apps that should exist.
Skinder is like Tinder, except you use a fake name (may I recommend some of these), and every photo on your profile is a nude. Essentially, it’s like DickPicr, but you can include shots of your b-hole as well so that she knows the ins and outs of your body before you go in and out of hers.
2. Bukkake Buddy
Are you tired of playing ookie cookie, awful waffle, and other masturbation-related games with your friends? Have you guys ever uttered the phrase, “Man, I really wish we had a chick onto whose face we could all simultaneously jerk off instead of these food items!” Bukkake Buddy is for you. Using the time-honored right/left swipe system, you and your boys can hand-select the girl you would like to dry drown in your seed.
Fingers Swords crossed she right swipes you back!
Denyd’s patented facial rating algorithm attaches a 1-20 attractiveness rating to each user’s face upon profile creation. The app then only selects females with at least a four point higher rating than the user for them to swipe. Since the girls are all sizably more attractive than the user, and can thus do much, much better, Denyd guarantees all users receive a 100% left swipe rate. The perfect app for those who want to willingly subject themselves to bouts of anxiety and depression.
4. Spot Me, Bro
Are you missing a spotter in your life? “Spot Me, Bro” is here to spot you, bro. Download it and you’ll soon be experiencing massive gains — in your love life! The app matches you up with gym buddies based on your relative levels of fitness, ensuring that the male’s is always higher than the female’s so your match doesn’t overshadow you by benching 9 hundo with one boob tied behind her back while you’re squatting the bar.
A sure-to-be classic. Humbled is like Bumble, where girls have to message you first, except the majority of the messages you receive will be from girls who left swiped you explaining why they gave you the big thumbs down.
Most girls are nice, though, right? Why would they willingly insult you? Because there’s one thing that all girls are that causes them to throw their kindness by the wayside — desperate. The girls on Humbled can’t move onto the next guy until they’ve messaged the current one with either a pickup line or an insult. Good luck!
Bring all the fun of a Mizzou protest to your phone! On SafeSpace, nobody feels objectified, and nobody feels out of place. All messages that are allowed to be sent through SafeSpace have been cleared through the Utah Mormon Advisory Board’s approved word list and come pre-loaded on the app, ensuring that nobody can be hurt by anybody else. SafeSpace is merely a place to exchange casual pleasantries — and make some friends along the way.
“SafeSpace: it’s about creating a home here (on your phone).”.
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