So you’re casually seeing a girl. Things are going well. It’s not exclusive or too serious; just some harmless fun. But then one day, something horrific happens. She starts bringing up words like “girlfriend,”, “boyfriend,” “relationship,” and “moist.” Okay, the “moist” thing isn’t relevant. I just hate that word a lot.
So how do you stay in the “friends with benefits” phase for as long as humanly possible and avoid making things too serious? Excuses, excuses, excuses. Keep making up excuses. If you can’t think of a good excuse, here are the most reliable ones. Memorize these in case of emergency.
1. “I’m just going through a weird time right now.”
This one is a classic. ARE you going through a weird time? Of course not. You’re going through a totally normal time. You’re happy, you exercise every day, you get enough calcium — life is good. But she doesn’t need to know that. Make her think you’re in a rough mental state and that you don’t currently have room for a relationship. This can actually make you even more interesting to her. You’re seen as a lost, sensitive soul with dark demons that she’ll never understand… but boy will she try to. You go from fuckboy to deep poet. We call it “John Mayer Syndrome.”
2. “I’m still not fully over my ex.”
Are you over your ex? Of course. You haven’t thought about that witch in months. But this new girl doesn’t need to know that. As far as she knows, your heart is still shattered into a zillion pieces and you need just a liiiiiiitle bit more time to rebuild yourself before you can commit again. If your breakup wasn’t recent enough, come up with an imaginary ex. If this girl has questions about your imaginary ex to which you can’t think of an answer, then just constantly say “she goes to another school in another country that doesn’t have internet.” Works every time.
3. “This is moving too fast for me.”
She just brought up the idea putting a label on it, and you gotta act like she’s being a clingy psycho. I don’t care how long this fling has been going on. Even if you’ve been fuck buddies for 27 years, if she says, “Maybe we should make this offici-” interrupt her before she can even finish the sentence because you guys BARELY KNOW EACH OTHER! What’s her blood type?! What’s her grandfather’s astrological sign?! What’s her stepfather’s favorite Jim Carrey movie?! Oh, you don’t know? Then pump the breaks. This is moving faster than a cheetah on bath salts and you feel smothered.
4. “You’re being crazy.”
This one is brilliant because it changes the topic. Is she being crazy? Hell no. You guys have been banging for 6 months and she has a toothbrush in your apartment. It’s only natural that she’d wanna make this an official relationship. BUT, girls hate being called crazy more than anything. If she brings up a relationship, tell her she’s being crazy and it’ll explode into an unrelated argument about if she really is crazy or not. Now you’ve successfully avoided the question. Better safe than sorry.
5. “I just don’t want anything serious.”
Wait a minute. WAIT. A. DAMN. MINUTE. This one is actually honest. Screw that. Skip this one.
6. “I am the Zodiac Killer.”
Are you the Zodiac Killer? Nope. But she doesn’t need to know that. As far as she knows, you murdered multiple people in Northern California in the late 60s and early 70s. No girl wants to be in an official relationship with the Zodiac Killer, she’ll keep you in “fuck buddy” phase for life. Boom. We made it..
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