It’s summer and you’re thirsty. Your fake ID was too terrible to ever work back in your hometown, but you’re legal now and it’s time to tear this place up. If you truly want to enjoy your newfound freedom at the local watering hole, here are six people to avoid to ensure a good time.
1. Your Friend Who Didn’t Go To College
While he’ll forever be the guy who had the best weed back in the day, this kid’s life is essentially over. He’s still working the same job he had when you went to school three years ago, pumping gas at the local Sunoco and trolling for upperclassmen at the high school. He thinks he’s smooth, like McConaughey in “Dazed and Confused,” except he comes off way more rapey.
He’s a total buzzkill, and you’ll only feel bad telling him stories about the amazing times you had at formal, the girls you’ve hooked up with, and the brightness of your future. Meanwhile, he’ll tell you about how his boss is riding his ass and that taxes suck dick. The only thing you both have in common is the amount of alcohol you consume each week–you to be social, him to numb the pain. You can remember every bar special at school. He can’t remember the last time he felt alive.
2. The D-III Athlete
The only difference between your athletic skills and his is that he went to a school that allowed open tryouts since it didn’t have enough players. No one got cut. Now he thinks he’s the next Johnny Manziel and he surrounds himself with future gym teachers and the slutty girls who smoke in the bathroom. “Did you see my ring, brah? Sun Valley American Patriot Conference champs! Suck it!”
Don’t try to disagree with him or point out that he’s the punter with a net average of 12–he’s so hopped up on roids that he’ll just try to fight you. Plus, you want to stay on his good side, because you don’t want to make enemies with a future Hall-Of-Famer. He’s totally getting scouted next year…probably…if he plays…
3. Your High School Girlfriend
While you never actually broke up with her when you went away freshman year, you did tweet “HOOKING UP WITH SO MANY SLOOTS” during welcome week. Needles to say, she got the message. Everyone got the message. Since then, college has not been kind to her. She’s been diving head first into a plate of nachos at the Taco John’s for the last three years and listening to way too much Adele. Sure, she’s dated here and there, but for someone who was once the most confident girl in high school, she’s become a stage five clinger, checking in on her current beaus nonstop. “IT’S BEEN 15 MINUTES SINCE I’VE TEXTED YOU! ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME?! OH MY GOD. YOU ARE, AREN’T YOU? WHY WON’T YOU TEXT ME BACK?”
Seeing you having a good time with your friends and not being a miserable fuck will, in turn, make her a miserable fuck. If she spots you, she’s bound to start half screaming, half uncontrollably sobbing. Stay as far away as possible, especially if you don’t want a fork jammed into your head.
4. Your Parents’ Friends
While you are drunkenly singing Jimmy Buffett at the top of your lungs, your parents’ alcoholic friends are singing just a little louder. Inevitably, they’ll sniff you out and chew off your ear. Old people need a magnifying glass to read the paper, but somehow their nose is stronger than a black lab’s. “Hey Mr. Gunderson, good to see you. Yeah, I’m just here to get wasted and snack on a cheese omelette at the diner next door without pissing myself before 3 a.m. I don’t really need to hear you and Mr. Jennings fight about whose community college was the real inspiration for ‘Animal House.’ ”
If they insist, do a shot with them. You don’t want to be a dick. But before you can even grab a chaser, get the hell out of there. If you’re not careful, you’ll suddenly find yourself on Facebook with 1,000 blurry photos of your forehead and a caption that says, “Isn’t Margie’s son so handsome?!” Your phone will blow up with notifications for the next two days, with people named Pearl and Cookie liking that shit 400 times and having an entire conversation in the comments section that will somehow take a turn into an invitation to their weekly game of mahjong. Three bam!
6. That Kid You Barely Talked To In High School Who Also Joined A Fraternity
Oh, God. It’s Boner Pants. How did he get that nickname? Because when giving his book report, he got a raging hard-on when Tracey Parker bent over to pick up a pencil in a low-cut shirt. We weren’t the most creative with nicknames in high school, but Boner Pants was definitely one of our best. He’s still as big of a tool as he was back then, but now he thinks he’s the shit because he joined some 10-man fraternity at his liberal arts school and reads TFM every day.
He’ll want to tell you ENDLESS stories about how his pledging was way harder than yours, and you’ll try not to laugh when you remember he’s been on Fail Friday at least three times. If you don’t stay out of his eyesight, he’s guaranteed to challenge you to a drinking contest. You’ll accept, because you never back down from a challenge–and you refuse to lose to some kid who got a crotch zombie during junior English. After chugging three beers, he’ll puke on your shoes and his mom will have to come pick him up. Next drink’s on you, Boner Pants! Now get the fuck out of here.