I don’t care how pretty the image on your Christmas card looks. In real life, snow is terrible. Those of you who grew up in Dixie and didn’t migrate for the better weather and nicer people a few years ago like I did might be shaking your head right now, but take it from those of us who didn’t grow up with proper manners: Snow is the absolute worst.
Weather.com is reporting that this could be the warmest Christmas in living memory, and I for one couldn’t be happier. If this is what global warming leads to, I’m going to start up all the F-250s I can find and park them all on the freeway while lighting coal fires in their truck beds. So what if the sea levels rise? No one is going to miss Miami.
Don’t believe me about snow? Let me spell it out for you.
1. Snow Ruins Families
Have you ever not been able to see your mom on Christmas because two feet of snow fell overnight? It’s a pretty shitty feeling when she couldn’t make the trip and you, who got to your grandma’s a day early, can’t make the trip back to see her. Even worse is getting trapped WITH your family in the same house for days on end with dwindling alcohol supplies because no one can make it out of the house. There’s an ideal equilibrium of family time and you should never go under or over on it.
2. No One Can Actually Drive In Snow
In the South, people freak out over a slight dusting, buying all the milk and bread they can find (and for what, exactly? Milk sandwiches?) and then stay off the roads, which can get covered by inches of ice since the cities are completely incapable of keeping them clear. In the North, everyone thinks they’re a badass with their four-wheel drive and snow tires, deciding to still go 80 until they spin off into a ditch. #BlackIceMatters. All of you are assholes.
3. Skiing Is A Stupid Activity
What is the point of skiing, exactly? You slide down a mountain and hope that you only sprain your ankle instead of breaking your femur. Then, you spend a half hour riding back up to the top of the mountain to do it again. It’s a lot like masturbation. You never actually get anywhere and you feel like a loser afterwards. You’ll find me in the lodge with the spiked eggnog instead. Oh, and no one cares that you snowboard instead, “brah.”
4. Snow Isn’t Actually Pretty
Your grandmother’s Kinkaid is dishonesty on canvas. Hell, Thomas Kinkaid is a painter of lies, not light. Our culture lies to us about snow more than girls lie about how they look on Instagram. When it snows, it looks nice for an hour, tops. After that, it becomes polluted with dirt, road filth, salt, cinders, and dog piss. There’s nothing attractive about brown lumps with yellow streaks steaming from them at the end of your front yard and there are few things more annoying than picking gravel out of your grass come spring.
5. Dressing For Snow Is Terrible
Once it gets colder than vest weather, getting dressed just becomes a chore. Boots, wool socks, pants, undershirt, button down, sweater, winter coat, scarf, and gloves. Hell, I’m exhausted from just typing that out, let alone putting it on. You know what we had to wear for college up north in the winter? Jeans. You can’t survive the snow in a pair of khakis and the salt will ruin any decent pair of shoes you own. The middle-aged lady in charge of the temperature at your school will have the heat on 80 for no reason at all too, forcing you to take 90% of that stuff off once you get inside, only to still sweat your ass off before you have to put it all back on yet again to walk outside.
6. Girls Show Zero Skin
Along those same lines, there are no dresses, low cut shirts, tight clothes, or swimwear in a snowstorm. Sure there are “sexy” winter clothes out there, but no one actually wears that shit. Instead, girls bundle up like the little brother in A Christmas Story who can barely put his arms down and look like the lumpy marshmallows they’ll be when they hit 40. You get to hear your girls complain about it being cold even more than they usually do, and about how their Uggs, obviously made out of cloth, don’t properly protect their SmartWool-clad feet like they somehow thought they would.
Snow is terrible, and even if there are marginally redeeming qualities out there, they are fully overshadowed by the frigid awfulness of the entire experience. I’m dreaming of a green Christmas, and I’m pretty pumped that my dream is coming true this year..