65-Year-Old Former Marine Stops Bank Robbery

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Aside from being a total degenerate, you’re a dumbass if you attempt a bank robbery. There are so many security measures in place to keep a robber from getting away. There are cameras, silent alarms, dye packs, and a variety of other tools that banks employ to keep their customers’ assets safe. In a recent bank robbing in Florida, the best method of stopping an armed robbery in progress turned out to be something a little less conventional.

While in a bank in Cocoa, Florida, Eugene Storley witnessed an armed robbery taking place. The robber was wearing a hard hat and a surgical mask. Right off the bat, you know that this criminal isn’t the brightest out of the bunch. He wore a hard hat and a surgical mask to rob a bank. The point is to be discreet, idiot. The guy probably looked like he just came from doing open heart surgery at a construction site.

So, Billy the Bulldozer Doctor sticks a gun through the teller window. Storley, seeing this, let instinct kick in. According to Storley, the gun was too large and it didn’t fit well in the teller window. Storley took the opportunity this presented and caught the gunman off guard. He wrestled the perp to the ground, but he eventually broke free and fled the scene. Other people later described the perpetrator to the police. Shortly thereafter, he was captured.

I forgot to mention that Storley is a 5’7”, 65-year-old cancer survivor and a former United States Marine. The suspect was 6’4” and over twenty years younger than Storley. Talk about some old man strength.

Nothing I write can describe how much of a badass Eugene Storley is, so I’ll end with his own words regarding the incident:

“I’m pretty well trained. I know I could’ve gotten him. Even though the guy is like 6’6” and I’m only like 5’7″… It was pretty cool.”

[via Yahoo!]

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BlutarskyTFM

BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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    • 3
      BlutarskyTFM

      What’s the proper term? I was told that it’s OK to say “former”, but never “ex.” Retired isn’t the proper term unless they served for 20 years or more and were formally retired,so I went with former.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
    • 3
      WVUGreek

      The only people that give a shit don’t matter because they most likely never did shit. If you’ve been in for any amount of time and have actually done anything then you’re used to people outside not knowing the correct terminology or whatthefuckever. Unless I know for a fact that you know better and are just doing it to be a dick, then I’m not going to care whether you say former, ex, etc.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
    • -1
      BlutarskyTFM

      One of the guys in my old unit was USMC before he switched over to the Guard, and he told me you can say former. According to him, the only ex-Marine is Lee Harvey Oswald.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
    • -2
      CapstoneRager

      You are good with using former. According to a friend of mine, ex-Marine is also a term given to Marines who were dishonorably discharged.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
  1. 3
    okusa

    i think i’m similar to most people in that i like to think i would have done the same thing most of the time when these stories come up, but jesus, that robber looks like a fucking wwe wrestler. this dude has balls

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago
  2. 3
    Tallapoosa Snu

    There’s no substitute for old man muscle. I’m a healthy man in my 20’s and I’m still pretty sure my dad can and will beat my ass if I earn it. Keeps me in check.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 1 year ago