69 Thoughts A Guy Has During A Terrible Hookup

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Nice Move

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1. What the hell was her name again?

2. You’re not as attractive as you were at the bar.

3. Is this a good decision?

4. Whatever, I’ll worry about it tomorrow.

5. Pants are off, we have reached the point of no return.

6. Oh, wow, you’re good at that.

7. Right there.

8. Nope, not there.

9. I stand corrected. You’re not very good at that.

10. Maybe if I show a little encouragement?

11. Nope, still terrible.

12. Do I REALLY have to reciprocate?

13. I’m so much better at this.

14. Let’s just cut to the chase.

15. Bad sex still beats great masturbation.

16. In most cases at least.

17. My ex was way better at this.

18. Do I have an assignment due tomorrow?

19. Focus.

20. The sooner I can hammer this out, the sooner I can leave.

21. Where the hell is this apartment complex?

22. How am I getting home?

23. Stop. You’re losing it. Focus on that mass of lumpy mediocrity in front of you.

24. I wonder how long they’ll stay on top? I don’t feel like moving.

25. Okay, fine, I’ll do some of the work. But I’m not going to enjoy it.

26. Hold on, we might be onto something here.

27. Oh, wow.

28. And it’s gone. Of course.

29. I better at least get some breakfast out of this.

30. Her friend was so much hotter.

31. This nails on my back thing is pretty cool.

32. Ouch.

33. Who the hell doesn’t trim their nails!?

34. I really hope there’s no cuddling expected.

35. Damn it, my alarm is set for 7am. My roommate is going to kill me.

36. This has been the longest four and a half minutes of my life.

37. What the hell was I thinking?

38. I’m so pissed at my friends. They should have stopped me.

39. This would be so much easier if I hadn’t drank that last whiskey double.

40. I’ve never been so close to faking an orgasm in my life.

41. Sometimes average girls are the best in bed. Of course, I’m not that lucky.

42. No more bullshit. It’s time to get down to business.

43. Step 1: Flip her over and finish.

44.  Step 2: Get the hell out of here.

45. At least now I don’t have to look her in the eye.

46. I wonder what time it is?

47. Would she notice if I texted my roommate for a ride real quick?

48. I’m starting to sober up and she’s getting less and less attractive.

49. This is my nightmare.

50. It’s like the opposite of a porno. Come on, all you’re doing is laying there.

51. You’d think such a shameless human being would at least know how to get a guy off.

52. If you want something done, I guess you’ve just gotta do it yourself.

53. Time to close my eyes and pretend you’re Marisa Miller.

54. Oh, Marisa, you’re too good to me.

55. Hammer time.

56. Just…about…there.

57. Ladies and gentleman, the worst orgasm of my life.

58. Now get me the hell out of here.

59. Would “I think I left my oven on” be too obvious?

60. She’s not buying it. Looks like it’s time for the old “fake sleep and bail” technique.

61. No. Get your arm off of me.

62. This isn’t a Disney movie. This whole “embrace until sunrise” thing isn’t gonna happen.

63. No, I don’t want to watch Netflix with you.

64. Is my roommate EVER going to get here.

65. Oh yeah of course, I’d LOVE to do this again sometime.

66. Sure, I’ll save your number. Contact Name: Ignore This Person/Dead Fish Emoji.

67. She’s asleep. This is my chance.

68. Finally free. We’re never going to speak of this again.

69. I’m going to get so much shit about this tomorrow.

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