7 Halloween Costumes You Didn’t Know Were Offensive

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Alright, so, I was going to write a column today but I’m leaving for Dallas at like 2:00 PM and, frankly, I didn’t have any great ideas. I did, however, have an email in my inbox from a self-described “social justice educator” who, aside from informing me that she is a sophomore at Cal-Berkeley, wanted to remain anonymous while providing my “ignorant, privileged, redneck, white male, hate mongering” audience (her words) some helpful Halloween costume tips. Basically she wanted to inform you that even the most innocuous of costumes may be triggering to some people. She also told me that if I didn’t post her column that I was a “chickenshit, regressive, pro-hate coward.”

I emailed her back asking her why she would possibly want to address a group she so loathed, and she replied that it was more important to educate than discriminate. To which I replied, “Oh, sort of like how Jesus consorted with sinners because that’s who needed his help.” This analogy wildly offended her. BUT, she was willing to soldier on.

And, hey, if I can help make everyone’s Halloween a little more inclusive, that can’t be so bad, right? Within reason?

Whatever, it doesn’t matter, I got quotas to meet. So without further ado, here is “7 Halloween Costumes You Didn’t Realize Were Offensive” from a socially conscious Cal-Berkeley sophomore.

Ghost

Um, hi, excuse me, are you dead? Oh, okay, yeah, I didn’t think so. Guess what, other people are dead. And there are living people who knew those dead people. Like me. I know you don’t know me — like my name, who I am, or even where I came from just now — but did you know that one night when I was sleeping over at a friend’s house my mom and my cat died in a carbon monoxide leak accident when I was in high school? Because guess what? They did. Maybe err on the side of sensitivity next time and don’t assume that you’re not going to run into people on Halloween whose mom and cat died in a carbon monoxide leak.

All my grandparents are dead too, by the way. Three died from old age and one choked to death on a bite of turkey leg when I stood up at the Thanksgiving (or as I insisted they call it, “Genocide Remembrance Day”) dinner table last year and shouted, “I ate pussy last night. That’s my truth. Deal with it.”

I guess you just assumed you weren’t going to see anyone on Halloween who knew people who’ve died. Typical white male privilege. I bet no one in your family has ever died, you privileged immortal man-bigot.

Your ghost costume is fucking offensive.

Farmer

WHERE TO BEGIN?????

Lots of slave owners were technically farmers. Racist.

Farms are basically literally concentration camps. But for chickens.

Most farmers are white, and it’s a profession that’s only getting whiter. I bet there are thousands of people of color who will never get the chance to grow beets. Never realize their dreams of waking up at 5:00 AM to shovel chemical laced shit into a truck. Thanks for reminding them. Racist.

Also, here’s a fun one, did you know that there are people who don’t know when their next meal is going to be? Bet it’ll be fun for them to have your costume remind them of where the food they don’t get to eat comes from. Maybe your costume should just be “guy eating a pizza outside of Red Cross station in Somalia.” Pretty much the same thing.

And how about this thing called GMOs? They are also bad.

Keep the pitchfork, but ditch the overalls for horns because guess what you’re the devil and that’s who you should be for Halloween.

The Devil

Um, hey, this might be news to you but we don’t all believe in god. And we’re definitely not wild about her followers trying to legislate our lives. It’s only legal to kill a baby if you use a .357 Magnum to blast a hole in its chest, right Johnny Jesus?

You dressing like the devil is an unwelcome reminder that religion exists. Don’t walk into a house full of me and my atheist AKA SMART friends and start oppressing us just because we’re the minority.

Mummy

It’s from Africa. You’re not. Appropriation.

Frankenstein

Oh cool you’re dressed as a learning disabled person that everyone labeled a monster. Must be nice to be a cool ableist like you who can skip around all day without anyone trying to light you on fire. AKA IT MUST BE NICE TO BE A WHITE MAN. Newsflash, you’ll never know what it’s like to wonder if today is going to be the day someone lights you on fire.

Did you know that back then people actually did try to light disabled people on fire… probably. It wouldn’t surprise me, anyway. Prove to me that they didn’t. Because I wouldn’t put it past a white patriarchal society. Everyone has a right to live!

Or maybe that’s your point? That everyone has a right to life? No matter how that life is created? Ugh, here we go again. Get your pro-life bullshit out of my face.

Also, a woman wrote Frankenstein. This is male appropriation. You’re disgusting.

Alexander Hamilton

He’s black now. You’re not. Appropriation.

Firefighter

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “How is a firefighter offensive? I mean, obviously I get why a police officer would be offensive. They’re all* murderers. But a firefighter? Say what?”

*Author’s note: Yes, ALL

Guess what? Firefighters still work for the government. A government that values white male lives over everyone else’s. That’s why I have no respect for them or anything they say. It’s why once, in high school, as a form of protest, I took the batteries out of all my house’s smoke detectors.

You dressing like a firefighter reminds people, people who, like I said, COULD BE LIT ON FIRE AT ANY MOMENT, that maybe the government might not be so quick to put them out.

DO NOT REMIND PEOPLE THEY ARE OPPRESSED.

Have a safe and happy Halloween! You’re welcome.

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