Fraternity houses can get pretty messy, and the bedrooms are no exception! A good way to keep your room organized is to break it down into “zones.” Divide up the room into different sections meant for different items and activities. For example, one section can be for the TV, desk, computer, etc. Another can be for clean and dirty laundry, and a third for your refrigerator, food, beer, and trashcan. After you and your roommate(s) have decided which part of the room is for what, just throw your shit wherever the fuck you feel like and have a pledge sort it out.
Now that you’re back at school, there’s no more mom (or a lady named Juanita) to do your laundry for you. With all of mom’s (really, Juanita’s) expertise gone, getting out tough stains like blood, vomit, grass, and distressingly unidentifiable fluids can be a real hassle. Fortunately, there’s a simple fix for those tough laundry problems! For example, if you drink a gallon of trashcan punch and then violently puke the bright red Kool-Aid and grain alcohol contents of your stomach all over your favorite pair of slacks later that night, find a pledge with the same or most similar pair of pants, and steal said pants. If the pledge confronts you about the theft, make up an unnecessarily specific story detailing the time and location you bought the pants. Then, to further cement your story, hand the pledge a Chick-Fil-A receipt, claim that it’s the receipt for the pants, and dare him to call you a liar.
College can be a stressful time. Between class, exams, and pregnancy scares there sure is a lot to worry about. If you’re ever feeling anxious, try out this old, American stress remedy that’s existed since the mid-19th Century!
Balancing Fun And School
Nighttime is for drinking, everyone knows this, but when will you find the time to study and do school work when your day is full of those pesky classes you didn’t study or do school work for the night before? Simple! Send a pledge to class in your place. That way you won’t lose any attendance points, and you can half-heartedly do your schoolwork during the day. And hey, if you have some free time, maybe do that pledge a solid and go sign him into the class he’s missing to attend yours instead. While it’s a nice favor, far more importantly, it’s an excuse to go meet freshmen girls under a false name. Feel free to seduce and make incredibly selfish love to any freshmen girls you meet in the pledge’s class, and be sure to give them the pledge’s name, not your own (you don’t want the professor finding out the pledge isn’t attending class!). That way, once you disappoint and ultimately infuriate those girls, the only reputation that will be damaged is the pledge’s.
Deals, Deals, Deals
College isn’t cheap. Whether it’s knowing the best bar specials or buying a 30-rack of beer specifically brewed and priced for the homeless, it’s important to save money whenever you can! With that in mind, always be on the lookout for deals. For example, did you know that everything a pledge owns is free?
Late Night Snacks
When the fraternity house kitchen is closed and all the food is locked away, your late night meal options can be pretty limited. And there are only so many Hot Pockets and carryout orders a person can eat. While a fraternity guy’s first thought might be to have a lady friend, or “slam,” make him a sandwich, and though the lady may be kind enough to oblige him, a modern college man should never just assume a woman would be willing to make him a sandwich. It’s the 21st Century! Instead, call your nearest indentured servant, also known as a pledge, and make the most outrageous meal demands you can think of. Shit that doesn’t even make sense together, really. After all, the whole point is to be creative here. Have the pledge find all of your demands at the nearest 24-hour grocery store and return with haste to prepare whatever the hell you feel like eating out of the jumble of food you just forced him to buy. “Prepare it where?” you may be asking, “You said the kitchen was closed.” The kitchen is closed, but that’s the pledge’s fucking problem. This isn’t a “Life Complicators” list.