No 7: Will Perdue
We’ve never won an NBA championship, and Will Perdue’s won four, so maybe we shouldn’t be making fun of him for having no discernible skills outside of his 7’1″ frame. The Vanderbilt grad was a first round pick (11th overall) in 1988 by the Chicago Bulls, and turned his height and grit into a 14-year NBA career. He’s best known for getting clocked in the face by Michael Jordan during a Bulls practice…
Modern Equivalent: Aron Baynes
No 6: Mike Penberthy
I, like Mike Penberthy, am a 5’11″ white male of average athleticism. Every now and then, I’ll have a vivid dream where I’m the 12th man on the Lakers, playing slot receiver for the Patriots, or asked to pinch-hit in Game 6 of the World Series. The weird part is that even though I’m deep asleep, I’m totally cognizant that I’m dreaming. I line up in the slot and I’m like, “Guys, this is a little weird. I’m just a regular dude. I don’t even know the plays.” But in this alternate universe, it feels totally normal to rip off my warmups and guard Raymond Felton in garbage time. It’s weird, but I’m there. That’s what Mike Penberthy felt like every day of his professional career.
Modern Equivalent: Marcelo Huertas
No 5: Cherokee Parks
A star at Marina High in Huntington Beach, California, Cherokee Parks starred for Duke in the early ’90s and helped lead Coach K’s squad to the 1991-92 National Championship. His NBA career was a different story, however, as Parks proved to be less of a Cherokee and more of a Mitsubishi Montero. After ten forgettable seasons, Parks retired from the league and went back home to California. He’s probably best known for getting tatted up before tattoos (and meth) were cool.
Modern Equivalent: Chris “Birdman” Anderson
No 4: Scott Brooks
After not getting any playing time his freshman year at TCU, Scotty Brooks transferred to San Joaquin Delta College, and then to basketball powerhouse UC Irvine, where he averaged 23.8 points his senior year (43.2% from three-point land). After one year in the CBA with the Albany Patroons, Brooks got a bench spot with the 76ers in 1988 and parlayed his three-point stroke and basketball acumen to a ten-year career. For some reason we don’t think he’d match up well defensively against Russell Westbrook.
Modern Equivalent: Brian Roberts
No 3: Matthew Dellavedova
A 6’4″ guard with below-average athleticism who tosses more bricks than a mason worker in the ’50s, Matthew Dellavedova couldn’t carve out a role in today’s NBA with all the heart, hustle, and covert nut-punches in the world. Wait a second…he plays in the NBA currently? He won an NBA Championship and signed a four-year, $38 million deal with the Bucks? WTF?
Modern Equivalent: LeBron James
No 2: Mark Madsen
Mark Madsen’s best season was 2003-04 when he averaged 3.6 points per game and 3.8 rebounds, but who gives a fuck? Dude can dance.
Modern Equivalent: Nick Collison
No 1: Chris Dudley
A fourth round pick out of Yale in 1987, Duds could play a little defense, but couldn’t make a shot if his life depended on it. Most of his attempts were layups or dunks, but Chris shot .412 from the field over the course of his career, and .458 from the free throw line. There is literally no chance of him making an NBA roster in 2016.
Modern Equivalent: NA…he was that bad…
Honorable Mentions: Fred Hoiberg, Bryce Drew, Dan Dickau, Vinny Del Negro, Michael Doleac, Bryant Reeves, Travis Knight.