Whenever I meet a new person (which I hate), the only part of the conversation that I enjoy is when they ask me, “What year are you?” My response of “six” usually garners a “Jesus Christ” and a confused stare. Whoa guys, I thought we were all on the same page here. “Stay in college as long as you can.” If we are, the question becomes a matter of what qualifies someone as being “too old” to still be in college.
Reader’s note: each qualification will be given a verdict of whether or not it qualifies someone as “too old”.
1. You are literally an old person.
I had a guy in one of my classes once that was 73 years old. He was pretty sharp, but he’d definitely lost a step and often forget to put on deodorant. Ordinarily such a mistake really isn’t a problem, but he was the type of guy who sweats like two rats fucking in a wool sock. I’m fairly certain his body odor violated several of my constitutional rights. It was not conducive to my learning. To be honest, I’m not even sure if he’s still alive. I probably shouldn’t speak ill of the questionably dead, but I’ve already got wristbands for VIP when I get to Hell.
Verdict: Too old, you liver-spotted fuck
2. You can’t recall your 21st birthday and it’s not because you were blacked out, but because it was in 2007.
Since then, every birthday cake has been the same flavor: Sadness.
Verdict: Not too old
3. You are legally able to rent a car.
25 has to be at the other end of the spectrum, seeing as there are perfectly valid reasons for finishing up an undergrad degree at that age. You could’ve served in the military or have even taken some time off for a co-op. Otherwise I’m pretty sure anyone still in college at 25 is just a Mormon. Did you know all Mormons stop aging at 25? I didn’t. That’s wild.
4. You spend more than one day a week eating alone at Golden Corral.
Actually I think this one is just me.
5. People ask you to tell stories from “back in the day.”
Listen, those charges were dropped and I’m only discouraged from going back into that Qdoba because they can’t legally ban me from the premises. Quit making it sound like I fought in World War II.
Verdict: Too old
6. Getting called things like “Father Time” becomes the norm.
This one gets easily overlooked if your closest friends are garbage humans. At the very first “you’re old” joke, I had to prepare myself to hear the same joke for eternity. I’m a huge fan of embracing the joke and digging in for the long haul. The problem is that you become so used to getting shit on that you might slip up and actually become the punch line. I’m concerned that one day I may venture out to go run an errand and come home with hemorrhoid cream and a Social Security check. Then again, I intentionally wish each of them a happy birthday on the wrong day. So on some levels I would probably deserve it.
7. Freshman girls look more and more like jailbait every year.
“I keep getting older, and they keep threatening me with restraining orders.” That’s the line from Dazed and Confused isn’t it? I think it is. Like 90% sure.
Verdict: You are definitely too old..