7 Things To Consider Before Hooking Up With A Former Love Interest

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Nice Move

Not putting down your beer to hook up with your friend's younger sister. TFM.

College-aged girls can be fickle, but the flame never quite dies. No matter how bad you screwed things up, last semester’s fling can typically be lured back with some planning, care, patience and a healthy bank account. But, before you DM her Snapchat at 3 a.m., consider the following and rekindle the relationship the correct way.

Learn from your mistakes

Assuming the burden of blame for screwing things up falls on your shoulders, you’ll need some time to reflect on why this girl doesn’t want to talk to you anymore. Maybe you thought you had an upgrade and cut her off abruptly. Maybe you got shitfaced and made an uncomfortable advance. Even worse, you may have inadvertently made her inconsolably jealous by showing up on some other bitch’s Facebook or Instagram. Regardless, figure out what you fucked up and fix it.

Last year, I looked to rekindle things for the umpteenth time with a girl I could never quite keep around in previous semesters. After some reflection, I realized that I didn’t act assertively enough to see her outside the context of partying. Sure, I wanted a quick score on everyday that ended in “Y,” but she found value in thinking I wanted to go to Target with her on a Tuesday to look for craft letters and glue. Fool her into thinking you like her as a person and you’re well on your way.

Let mutual interests open the dialoueg

Oftentimes, the heavy lifting is done for you. That is to say, you need not reach out to her in a fit of desperation. You can fall back on a party, mixer, tailgate, or study group to invite her back into your sex life.

Early fall semester is perfect timing to lure a former flame by way of inviting her to something unassuming or offering to help her study. A few years ago, I rekindled things with a girl who had grown resentful of me over summer break by promising to help her with calculus — a class I had barely passed the previous fall. I was successful, and to this day, I’m grateful she never called my bluff.

Find innocuous ways to see her

As with all other tenuous relationships, you don’t want to tip your hand right away. Accordingly, you shouldn’t make any reckless advances if you’ve fallen out of favor with her.

If you did something absent-mindedly to piss her off, spare her your big swing. Work your way back into her good graces by offering to drive her to her chapter meeting or volunteer a pledge’s meal plan to grab lunch. Make innocent advances, just to re-plant a seed. It will pay off later and shouldn’t land you in the lamented friend zone.

Speak coyly of your debauchery

Once you begin to regain her trust, she’ll set some traps without even realizing it. After you skip the “how do you dos,” she’ll lob some loaded questions towards you about how your summer was spent. Don’t tell your old slam about fucking another intern in your boss’s pool house. Leave it at subtle allusions.

You may find yourself baited into a game of kings or some other insufferable, ice-breaking drinking game. Don’t lower your guard. Keep up the ruse and avoid telling her (or her friends) what you were up to in the time you two weren’t speaking.

Be subtle in selling yourself

Given a few months time, something’s bound to have changed in your life. Perhaps you lost some weight or bulked up. Maybe your GPA rebounded or you finally declared a great major. These assets will speak for themselves: There’s no need to brag right away.

If you find yourself competing with some other dude(s) for temporary residence between her thighs, figure out what value you hold over the others and emphasize it without overtly criticizing anyone else. In this case, you get to push your strengths without seeming critical or possessive.

Admit to no wrongdoing

Even though you’re probably the one who fucked up, don’t let her know that you acknowledge your misstep. Even husbands don’t admit to wrongdoing. Should the subject of whatever caused the rift between the two of you come up, do your best to either brush if off or double down on your decisions, depending on the severity of your screw up.

May your confidence be unwavering.

Know when to fold

Cue the Kenny Rogers music.

In a perfect world, winning over last year’s slam can be done with a few carefully chosen words and a fresh perspective. In reality, you may find yourself in hopeless competition with other guys. Or worse: a boyfriend.

If you were thoughtful, diligent, coy and careful when trying to win over her affections again and she’s still unimpressed, save yourself some frustration and move on to the next prospect.

As your dad might say, there’s no need to fight over a single grain of sand when you’re standing on a beach.

Kramer is a future Bachelorette contestant with an affinity for brown girls, who hails from the more successful side of the keystone state. He enjoys long crawls to the liquor cabinet and has only been punched in the face once. Send lovelies to kraysmash@gmail.com

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