7 Ways To Ensure Your Fourth Is One To Remember, Or Not Remember

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1. Choose Your Booze

Before all the tomfuckery begins you’re going to need a shit ton of alcohol. While you might sip a glass of champagne for the firework finale, your celebrations should obviously begin hours before the sky darkens. What better pregames a glass of champagne than an entire day’s worth of patriotic cans of cold ones? Luckily our friends at the breweries are one step ahead of us. Pick up a 30 rack of Buds, each can sporting a beautiful tapestry of red, white, and blue. If you want to buy higher end, stock up on a few cases of Samuel Adams Summer Lager. For those who are “too frat” to drink anything but the shittiest of beers, pound some 30s of High Life which are just as shitty, yet also sport the red, white, and blue theme. Once a comfortable level has been reached, finish off your night with a fifth or your favorite top-shelf bourbon. You can also mix up this patriotic cocktail for the ladies. I hear poprocks also work for incredible BJs.

2. Treat your Meat

American Independence Day offers the perfect opportunity for slamtastic women to handle your meat in the most tantalizing sexual ways, but before you send her into a boner induced coma, it’s important to switch your focus to your second favorite meat. Pick out your favorite cut and soak that heavenly steak in a mouthgasmic bourbon marinade. If you don’t already have a recipe, spend literally five seconds on google until you find a chub-inducing concoction. Fuck it, I already did the heavy lifting, check this one out. If you’re too gone to keep up with all the extra ingredients, fuck it, do you honestly need anything other than bourbon? Remember, Bourbon and steak go together like a monkey suit and an OTPHJ. It just makes sense.

3. Jams = Slams

The playlist to your respectful shitshow is a crucial ingredient, one that could make or break your entire day. While Bacon will no doubt have “Call Me Maybe” on repeat for 12 straight hours at his celebration, you can and should have higher standards. Country is a no brainer here, but acceptable options also include classic anthems from the ’80s and earlier. Warm the ladies up with a little Roger Alan Wade’s “BB Gun” and “Fyin’ Bacon Nekkid” (pun not maybe possibly intended). Continue to moisten the panties with a solid hour of Johnny Cash and Hank Williams. Induce moaning and seizures with any song containing everclear and the deflowering of country girls. Sprinkle in Wagon Wheel (Face it, it had to be included), and there will be enough humidity in the air to cultivate the Sahara Desert.