1. Choose Your Booze
Before all the tomfuckery begins you’re going to need a shit ton of alcohol. While you might sip a glass of champagne for the firework finale, your celebrations should obviously begin hours before the sky darkens. What better pregames a glass of champagne than an entire day’s worth of patriotic cans of cold ones? Luckily our friends at the breweries are one step ahead of us. Pick up a 30 rack of Buds, each can sporting a beautiful tapestry of red, white, and blue. If you want to buy higher end, stock up on a few cases of Samuel Adams Summer Lager. For those who are “too frat” to drink anything but the shittiest of beers, pound some 30s of High Life which are just as shitty, yet also sport the red, white, and blue theme. Once a comfortable level has been reached, finish off your night with a fifth or your favorite top-shelf bourbon. You can also mix up this patriotic cocktail for the ladies. I hear poprocks also work for incredible BJs.
2. Treat your Meat
American Independence Day offers the perfect opportunity for slamtastic women to handle your meat in the most tantalizing sexual ways, but before you send her into a boner induced coma, it’s important to switch your focus to your second favorite meat. Pick out your favorite cut and soak that heavenly steak in a mouthgasmic bourbon marinade. If you don’t already have a recipe, spend literally five seconds on google until you find a chub-inducing concoction. Fuck it, I already did the heavy lifting, check this one out. If you’re too gone to keep up with all the extra ingredients, fuck it, do you honestly need anything other than bourbon? Remember, Bourbon and steak go together like a monkey suit and an OTPHJ. It just makes sense.
3. Jams = Slams
The playlist to your respectful shitshow is a crucial ingredient, one that could make or break your entire day. While Bacon will no doubt have “Call Me Maybe” on repeat for 12 straight hours at his celebration, you can and should have higher standards. Country is a no brainer here, but acceptable options also include classic anthems from the ’80s and earlier. Warm the ladies up with a little Roger Alan Wade’s “BB Gun” and “Fyin’ Bacon Nekkid” (pun not maybe possibly intended). Continue to moisten the panties with a solid hour of Johnny Cash and Hank Williams. Induce moaning and seizures with any song containing everclear and the deflowering of country girls. Sprinkle in Wagon Wheel (Face it, it had to be included), and there will be enough humidity in the air to cultivate the Sahara Desert.
4. Slip for Nip
Ideally you’ll be out boating on a lake, or living out a Corona commercial on an exotic beach, but for those who are stuck in their hometown or college town, fear not. Water is a necessity for a summer party, and the 4th certainly is no exception. Gentelmen, it is time to construct the Slip ‘n Slide. Don’t half-ass the S’NS and go for the store-bought. Not only are they shorter than an Asian’s microdick, they also won’t last longer than you slamming Kate Upton. Shell up the cash for some high-grade plastic wrap, roll out to desired length, and hose it down. Next just add your favorite lubricant, which, if you assembled a kick-ass playlist shouldn’t be an issue, and you’ll be rocketing through the back fence in no time. Not only are slip ‘n slides great for surfing-while-chugging contests, they also increase the chances of nipple slips by 56%. It’s been mathematically proven by the Captain’s Slip-For-Nip formula.
5. Dress for Suck-cess
While I’m sitting here wondering how the fuck I’m supposed to get Rowdy Gentleman’s new patriotic tanks if they’re not shipping ’til the 20th, there are countless ways to outfit yourself for the occasion. Be bold. Shave a USA into your well-groomed mane of chest-pubes. A “Don’t Tread on Me” flag draped over your shoulders is sure to win you the Captain Fucking America award. However, if your wardrobe is lacking, honestly, you really don’t need much. There is a pretty good chance that whatever you start off wearing will be nowhere to be found come evening. The main goal for the 4th is to appear as obnoxiously patriotic as possible, and there are endless ways to do this.
6. Smoke Rings and Southern Blendings
Your daily intake of nicotine should at least quadruple on the 4th and there are a couple of ways to do this. A box of hand rolled cigars is a great touch to your glass of bourbon neat. I personally prefer Dominicans, but as long as it’s expensive, long as an elephant’s dick, and fat as the Monstar bosses from SpaceJam, then you should be good to go. Also, if you haven’t discovered the magic of Copenhagen’s new Southern Blend, then now is the perfect time. If you don’t dip, then it’s about fucking time to become a man and grab a can.
7. Gunpowder Power Hour
About the only thing the Chinese got right were fireworks, and it’s time to invest in this beautiful invention in a big way. After you raid the nearest fireworks stand, you should be equipped with an arsenal deadly enough to bomb Hiroshima ten times over. Looking past the 4th, you also want to make sure that you are well-armed for the inevitable blacked-out Roman Candle battles that will take place around the house for the year to come. In all seriousness though, if you’re going to get as inebriated as you are no doubt planning on, you’re going to need to blow the shit out of something. Not to mention that it’s practically a deal closer with the women. Light your fireworks and reap the waterworks.