Columns

8 Reasons Why Your Next Roommate Should Be A Gay Dude

Screen Shot 2017-05-16 at 5.08.54 PM

Let me preface this by saying that I am in no way attracted to men or dicks or anything in-between. Not that it matters. After all, it’s 2017 and my inclination to enjoy vagina has never prevented me from respecting the lifestyles of dudes who just like a good peen every now and then. In-fact, my first roommate was one of the most flamboyantly homosexual people on the planet.

Was I apprehensive to move in with him? I’m ashamed to admit it, but yes, I was. Did having a gay roommate improve my overall quality of life? 1000 percent. Here are 8 reasons why living with a gay dude was one of the most enjoyable periods of my short life.

1. Girls on girls on girls

He seemingly knew every woman on campus, and would invite a small platoon of smokes over to the dorm on a nightly basis. Our room was flushed with talent comparable to the Vegas pool party scene.

2. He was an in-house fashion consultant

I never realized how terrible my taste in clothing was until he pointed out that even Ryan Gosling wouldn’t be able to pull while wearing athletic shorts and my high school golf team polo.

3. I learned a lot about sex. Not in a gay way, but an educational way

This dude had been around the block. He was the definition of “Throwing everything against the wall and seeing what sticks.” I even added a few moves to my now all-encompassing repertoire.

4. The guy could chug booze better than anyone I knew

I learned as much about alcohol consumption from him as I did from my pledgeship.

5. Best. Wingman. Ever.

6. Not gay related, but he worked at Panda Express

Who doesn’t want a sweetfire chicken plug?

7. He taught me how to dance

Hear me out on this: mastering just one dance move can eliminate the hassle of coming up with clever ways to talk to women. Just wander up to one, start shaking dat ass, and, if you don’t suck, she’ll laugh while inching closer to your gyrating hips. Next thing you know it’s 9 the following morning, and that shit-eating grin on your face gives away the fact that last night was the death sentence to your dry-spell. All thanks to your glitter-loving roommate.

8. There was no threat of being swooped on

With any straight roommate, this is something you always have to have in the back of your mind even if you are affectionately referred to as “Swoop.” Pecking order doesn’t matter when he’s not on the board at all.

I’ll finish by saying this: I’m sure there are a lot of gay guys out there who are just as disgusting, insulting, and unkempt as the stiff dicks they long for, but my experience says otherwise. Next time you meet a gay guy, at least try befriending him and maybe you too can experience life with the advantages mentioned above.

Image via Shutterstock

Email this to a friend

Swoop Johnson

I'd like to thank Jesus, my family, and Busch Light for getting me to where I am today.

36 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Videos

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

New Stories

Load More