With your birthday coming up, it’s time we had a heart-to-heart. I feel like we haven’t talked in a while, probably because we’ve both had our heads buried in our smart phones while pretending to give a damn about what the other has to say.
First off, have you lost weight? Because you look as gorgeous as ever. Never seen your constitution so slim. Looks like you’ve shed all that extra privacy you’ve packed on over the years. Man, that NSA diet really does wonders for your figure, and without having to give up red meat! (Just your soul.)
See, America, now that I’ve buttered up your gluttonous ego, the reason I want to chat is because you’ve been upsetting me lately, especially you “men.” Your text message and Twitter game has gone down the gutter.
So, I made a list of some fundamental rules of text message etiquette.
1. Emojis Make Me Die Inside
Nothing screams “beta male” like sending out a string of cartoons that look like damn Pokemon. You have words. Use them, you doofuses.
2. Stop The Extra Letters
It’sssss cuteeee whennn girlssss dooooo itttt. Expected, even.
Take the word, “hey,” for example, and the number of “y’s” that girls attach at the end.
* One Y = “Leave me alone.”
* Two Y’s = “I could be into meeting up later, if you play your cards right.”
* Three (+) Y’s = “You better call NASA, because your sshuttle is confirmed for takeoff.”
Guys who attach extra letters at the end, however? So lame.
3. Guys Who Initiate, Wait
The structure of a text conversation is simple. (1) Chick starts the convo, (2) Guy interjects, (3) Girl has the final word as guy goes back to whatever the hell he was doing with his life. Rinse, rather, repeat.
4. Addressing People By Their Names
Dropping a name in a text message says one of two things. Either you’re letting the other person know that you’re about to bring your sentimental game to the plate, or it means, “Shut up and listen.” Going down either of these roads ends well for no one. Best to steer clear.
5. Men Only Get To Use 3 words
Anything else… TL;DR.
6. One Wording Means Go Away
A one-word text, especially if that one word is merely “haha,” is the messaging equivalent of the middle finger.
7. Don’t Take These Rules Seriously
8. Get Off Your Phones
Hope this chat helped, America. You’re great, and don’t you forget it for a minute. I really want this to work out, I really do. There’s just a few things we need to work on first. So, consider this rulebook an early birthday gift. Happy 237th, big guy.
Your ol’ pal,