With your birthday coming up, it’s time we had a heart-to-heart. I feel like we haven’t talked in a while, probably because we’ve both had our heads buried in our smart phones while pretending to give a damn about what the other has to say.
First off, have you lost weight? Because you look as gorgeous as ever. Never seen your constitution so slim. Looks like you’ve shed all that extra privacy you’ve packed on over the years. Man, that NSA diet really does wonders for your figure, and without having to give up red meat! (Just your soul.)
See, America, now that I’ve buttered up your gluttonous ego, the reason I want to chat is because you’ve been pissing me off lately, especially you “men.” Your text message and Twitter game has gone down the gutter.
So, I made a list of some fundamental rules of text message etiquette. They are mainly directed at men, because the fairer sex has its oblivious head too far up its own collective ass for any of us to even bother getting them to change at this point.
1. Emojis Make Me Die Inside
Nothing screams “beta male” like sending out a string of cartoons that look like damn Pokemon. You have words. Use them, you doofuses. I don’t care how belly-achingly hilarious my Tweets are (one-liners haven’t killed this much since Len Bias!). If I see another picture of a smiley face that’s cry-laughing, I will murder all of you, and the police will rule it a homicide-suicide, because those stupid symbols drove me to take my own life a long time ago.
2. If You Have Y-Chromosomes, Extra Letters Aren’t For You
It’sssss cuteeee whennn girlssss dooooo itttt. Expected, even. The more letters a chick throws onto the end of her words when she’s texting you, the more she’s sending out her slut mating call into the wild , hoping for a strong suitor to come along bearing P for her V.
Take the word, “hey,” for example, and the number of “y’s” that girls attach at the end.
* One Y = “Leave me the fuck alone.”
* Two Y’s = “I could be into some sexual congress later, if you play your cards right.”
* Three (+) Y’s = “You better call NASA, because your scrotum shuttle is confirmed for takeoff.”
For the record, 7 “y’s” means anal. Science.
Guys who attach extra letters at the end, however? Go fuck yourselves. I don’t have time to read all that. I’m trying to prepare for having butt sex on Mars.
3. Guys Who Initiate, Masturbate
The structure of a text conversation is simple. (1) Chick starts the convo, (2) Guy interjects, (3) Girl has the final word as guy goes back to whatever the hell he was doing with his life (probably looking at tit pics). Rinse, rather, repeat.
Why let the ball-‘n-chains initiate? Because it makes us feel like manly men, the kind of men who chop wood and never have bad chest hair days. “Hey, this chick is thinking about me. Neat. Now I’m going to mindfuck her by not responding for three hours.” As nature intended.
4. Addressing Women By Their Names
Dropping a name in a text message says one of two things. Either you’re letting the other person know that you’re about to bring your sentimental game to the plate, or it means, “Shut the fuck up and listen.” Going down either of these roads ends well for no one. Best to steer clear.
Why avoid addressing chicks by their name via text? Two reasons. First, because in a one-on-one text conversation, there are only two of you, idiot. It’s not like in the group message setting where you’re trying to clarify which person’s mother is a two-dollar Venetian whore.
Secondly, dropping some name-bombs only reinforces with females the idea that they’re people, which is adorable, but still isn’t fair to string them along with false hope. This can only lead to bad things. First, they feel flattered you set aside brain space formerly reserved for Miguel Cabrera stats in order to remember four to nine letters. This makes them feel empowered like they just read the biography of Susan Casey Anthony. Next thing you know, you have a clingy, slutty, real life Jodi Arias Lifetime movie on your hands.
5. Men Only Get To Use 3 words
Anything else… TL;DR.
6. One Wording Means STFU
A one-word text, especially if that one word is merely “haha,” is the messaging equivalent of the middle finger. Anyone who responds to one-wording is as spineless as Lou Gehrig.
7. Tits or GTFO
Here’s a rule strictly for you ladies. Tit pics are a nice way of saying two things: (1) “These milk bazookas are all yours”, and (2) “So are my daddy issues.” Oh, the tradeoffs of love and lust.
8. Even Richard Simmons Hates Dong Pics
Unlike boobiegrams, I’ll never understand what goes on Inside The Mind Of A Dick Pic Sender. There’s nothing sexy about a photo of something that looks like an underwater mushroom growing off the coast of the Australian coral reef. That is, at least until technology advances to the point where the zoom function is capable of capturing the microscopic organisms. In which case, I’ll be knee deep in the dick pic game. I mean, a friend of mine will be.
Hope this chat helped, America. You’re great, and don’t you forget it for a fucking minute. I really want this to work out, I really do. There’s just a few things we need to work on first. So, consider this rulebook an early birthday gift. Happy 237th, big guy.
Your ol’ pal,