Assuming you’ve ever spent any time around girls, you’ve likely heard the term “girl code” mentioned. This set of unwritten and unspoken rules for girl world is pretty much a universally accepted code of ethics for how women are able to coexist in the world without killing each other. Now, I’ve heard that dudes have “guy code,” but it seems to me that girl code is a little more serious –- a violation can cause anything from minor hurt feelings to all-out girl war, and not the cool jello-wrestling kind you guys are looking for.
So why is it in your best interest as a guy to understand girl code? Because, quite frankly, many of the violations of girl code have to do with dudes, and, oftentimes, guys get caught in the crossfire. But if you all know the rules of girl world, you can not only avoid setting off a lady fight unintentionally, but it may also give you an upper leg in the competition for that hot girl across the bar. If you know how her clique works, you’ve got the inside edge over your less-educated brethren.
There are lots of girl code rules that have nothing to do with you, such as “you are required to give a complete stranger the tampon in your purse if she asks for one” and “you always tell the lady you don’t know who is staring at herself uncertainly in the mirror at the bathroom at the bar that she looks great, even if she doesn’t,” but those aren’t important for you all to know. So instead, here are the elements of girl code that relate to dudes:
Rule #1: Rescue Any Girl Who’s Being Hit On By A Creeper, Even If You Don’t Know Her.
The other night at the bar, this complete creeper started hitting on me while my friend was in the bathroom. Not only was he wearing a Giants shirt – ick – he smelled like he had taken a shower in body spray and he kept telling me that I “had” to finish my drink quicker. Um, no thank you. Sensing my discomfort, a random girl came over, said “Hey, Ben just got here – come say hi!” and pulled me into her circle until the creeper had moved on. Moral of the story: girls have a sixth sense about when other girls – strangers or not – need rescuing and we won’t hesitate to step in to help. So odds are about 50/50 that the girl who just cock-blocked you isn’t even your target girl’s friend. Sorrynotsorry.
Rule #2: Friends’ Exes/Crushes/Hookups/Boyfriends/Friends With Benefits Are Off Limits Forever.
Last week, I answered a mailbag over on TSM about a “friend” who had hooked up with a girl’s hook up . I wasn’t kidding when I said that that it’s pretty much grounds for expulsion from girl world. So what does that mean for you? Pretty much that if you dip your toe in one friendship pond, all of the fish in that pond are then off-limits. So don’t hook up with the so-so girl in the sorority when you really have your sights set on their token Instagram-model wannabe. Odds are, once you’ve hooked up with one of her friends – or sisters – you’re off-limits to anyone else in that friend circle.
Rule #3: Any Information About The Aforementioned Exes/Crushes/Hookups/Boyfriends/Friends With Benefits Will Be Reported Immediately.
If the U.S. really wants to take down ISIS, we should put a bunch of girls in charge of intelligence. Because whether it’s that you made out with a random girl at the bar last night or you’ve been snapping with your ex from home, we will find out about it and we will report it back to our friend that you’ve been engaging in late-night nookie with. So just accept that you can have no secrets. Ever.
Rule #4: Never Abandon A Drunk Friend, Ever.
A few years ago, I was out with two of my girlfriends (let’s call them A and B) when we met up with my hook-up and his friend. Of course, as always happens in odd-numbered groups, his friend wanted to get it in with A, leaving B fifth-wheeling it. While A was all too happy to ditch a drunk B to go hook up, I wasn’t going anywhere until I was sure that she got home safely. Sure, my hook-up was pissed, but girl-code dictates that our friend’s safety is more important than any guy – so just get used to it, help us put our blacked-out buddy to bed, and then we are all yours. (Sidenote: we aren’t friends with A anymore – no one likes a selfish bitch.)
Rule #5: It Is Required That You Ditch ALL Plans When There Is A Friend In Need.
Her boyfriend dumped her. Her cat died. Her stylist ruined her life by cutting her bangs too short. All of these constitute Defcon-5 level emergencies in girl world, and one of the rules of lady-friendship is that we drop everything if we have a friend in need, and that includes ditching plans with a dude. But if you get canceled on by a lady because one of her friends is in crisis, look at it this way – you’ve got a free night to play video games AND she owes you one. #Winning
Rule #6: We Can Talk Shit About Our Friend, But We’ll Cut Anyone Else That Speaks Badly About Her.
If a girl tells you her roommate is a bitch or her big sister is a slut, she wholeheartedly expects you to agree with her. But if some random person decides to talk smack about someone we consider a friend, we will defend her to the death. So even if you think her grand-little is a snobby whore, it’s best for you to keep that to yourself… unless she brings it up first.
Rule #7: Your Friend Is Always Right When She Is In A Fight With Her Boyfriend, Even If She’s Wrong.
You know those fights you have with your lady in which she’s being a completely unreasonable psycho? Like when you didn’t answer her text because you legitimately forgot your charger when you went to your buddy’s to watch MNF or when she gets insulted because you didn’t remember her favorite flavor of fro-yo? Well, her friends are telling her she’s absolutely, without-a-doubt, totally in the right. Because even if she’s 100% wrong, we are always going to take our friend’s side when she fights with her man. So just remember that when you are trying to have a reasonable conversation with her, she’s had her six closest girlfriends telling her that you’re an asshole because you got her a cup of strawberry instead of chocolate chip. So it’s probably easier just to apologize and move on.
Rule #8: Chicks Before Dicks. Sisters Before Misters. Hoes Before Bros.
However you put it, it comes down to this: we ride together, we die together – bad girls for life. And heaven help any guy that tries to come in between us..