Columns

8 Things That Appear In Every Girl’s Online Dating Profile

screen-shot-2016-12-13-at-9-47-52-pm

Everyone thinks they’re so unique, but in reality, we’re all just generic, boring douches with no original thoughts or ideas. Hell, ALL my articles are just lazy, hacky ideas that have probably been done before but with more grace and fewer mediocre dick jokes.

This concept extends to dating sites. Every time you look at a girl’s profile on Tinder or OkCupid, you get deja vu. Because every bio is the same. Pretty much every dude that ever used the internet on a quest for clam digging has stumbled upon the same sentences time and time again.

Most girls’ dating profiles have at least one of, if not multiple, of these following bullet points.

1. “Fun-loving”

Every girl online says they’re “fun-loving.” Which is so fucking weird, because most people HATE fun. It’s so bizarre to FINALLY stumble upon someone that enjoys joy. What a catch.

2. Something about pizza

For whatever reason, girls love to remind you that they love pizza online. Like it makes them “down to earth” or “one of the guys.” But guess what, EVERYONE likes pizza. Even anorexic people, vegans, and corpses. This also extends to other foods (“I love Chipotle,” “I’ll love you if buy me food,” etc.).

3. Something about Netflix

There’s nothing like a good, lighthearted comment about how you love Netflix, to show how lazy and relatable you are. Everyone likes Netflix, though. Even CEOs of traditional TV channels that are slowly suffering due to the rise of streaming love that shit.

4. Something about wine

This is usually paired up with the other cliches (“I love pizza, wine, and Netflix”). Wine makes you feel fancy. It makes you feel fun and classy, like a 49-year-old suburban mother at a cocktail party talking about her teenage son’s current murder allegations.

5. “Sarcastic”

Some different variations are “I’m fluent in sarcasm” or “I have no filter.” If she’s super saucy, she’ll say something like “I’m very sarcastic, so if you don’t like that then don’t talk to me.” Uh-oh! Look out, guys. We got a badass over here.

6. Something about dogs

On Tinder, almost every girl has something in their bio like “if I swiped right it’s because of your dog.” If not, it’ll usually be something like “dog mother” (which sounds like a weird ‘Godfather’ spinoff). Or they’ll just say they’re an “animal lover.” Either way, definitely wear a Michael Vick jersey on the first date just to see what happens.

7. Something about hiking

I’ve only met a couple people in person who enjoy hiking. But according to dating websites, EVERYONE apparently hikes all the damn time. Those numbers don’t add up. So let’s be honest. Some of these people are lying. I know what you’re saying: “But Wally, nobody ever lies on the internet!” I know, right?! That’s what makes this so shocking.

8. “Not looking for hookups”

She said shortly before hooking up.

Email this to a friend

Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

24 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account

Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

Latest From The TFM Store

(If you like this shirt, buy it and we'll make it.)

New Stories

Load More