Fail Friday Column: Bloody Hell

Posted by TFM Staff 97 days ago

Every week the TFM editorial staff receives a number of column submissions that, to put it mildly, read like the musings of a drunken lunatic. Here, without a single edit, is one of those columns in its entirety. As with Fail Friday, the name of the author has been omitted to protect the guilty.

First of all fuck you. Second of all here’s a story. Fuck you.
It’s been about 2 months since yada yada bullshit straight to the point. Last month in a drunken whiskey and wine, yes wine, induced state of mind. I decided to swim in the red fucking river. “Oh that’s nasty, Oh you’re gross” fuck you, pussy is pussy. (Except for darker girls, that’s something weird, stay away from that.) Any fucking ways, I was about to get down and get my meat wet when she said those 3 magic words we all hate. “I’m on my period.” Ok that’s 4, fuck you. Being drunk my response was simply a “So?” with the face of Superbowl champion Eli Manning. So after 4-5 minutes of balls deep intense sexual thrusting, I noticed that things were a lot wetter. She orgasmed like any girl should do with me, fake or not, and without thinking I continued.
So about 15 minutes in the sweat starts kicking in. I’m wiping my face, shes moaning, shits slippery than a handicapped on black ice if you know what I mean. With her legs over my shoulder, my head hitting the wall, and the continuous thrusting. She orgasmed again. She demanded that I go, and of course me and my whiskey dick had a job to finish. So I puppy dogged it and got the little guys out of my woodpecker.
But after sex, I like to eat. So we went to Chik-Fil-A. And of fucking course, I saw some brothers. Without hesitation one of them grabbed my arm and said “**** you have ketchup all fucking over you.” I shrugged and said I’m drunk as fuck, what do you expect? Short story shorter, went back to her place, fucked some more than fell asleep.
Now the next morning, I woke up in a fucking battlefield. BLOOD WAS EVERYWHERE. I immediately threw up when my face was in dry blood on the fucking pillow. The fucking pillow out of all places. I don’t even know how blood could of gotten there. I was covered in it. My hair was crusty dry with a red tint, and my dick looked like it just got out of a sauna. I jumped up, threw on my bloodstained clothes and got the fuck out of there. When I was driving on the highway I noticed my hands and my face were covered as well. The smell of blood lingered all the way on the drive home. This memory haunts me till this day. So when you go swimming in the red river, my advice to you is to bring floaties. Cause shit is going to get wet. And if this gets published and you are reading this said girl. Thats for being a bitch. The fucking end.