Everybody Wants To Punch Children. That’s the name of a new CBS sitcom I’m trying to write. It’s a lot like Everybody Loves Raymond but with less loving Raymond and more punching children. Because it hits home. Everyone hates kids. It’s why condoms and birth control are so important and it’s why Casey Anthony is a national treasure.
But I recently had a brilliant idea to make kids less annoying. Not only will it make them more tolerable; it’ll help them develop as human beings, both socially and intellectually. It’ll help us mold the younger generation into a group of champions. It’s a bulletproof plan.
We need to lower the legal drinking age from 21 years to 7 years old. And for you self-righteous people out there who are rolling your bloodshot ugly eyes right now, I’ve laid out nine reasons why it’s the greatest idea in the history of North America.
1. It will make them more tolerable.
As I said earlier, kids are annoying. They haven’t developed sympathy or empathy yet so they’re selfish, obnoxious douchebags. But getting them drunk would make them way more tolerable. I’ve known many assholes who are much cooler when they’re drunk.
2. It would help them develop social skills.
Shy kids need to learn how to interact with people, and alcohol would be the perfect tool for that. Liquor is liquid confidence. It boosts your self-esteem and it murders your shyness with a metal baseball bat in an alley.
3. It will weed out the weaklings.
Not everyone can hold their liquor, so lowering the drinking age to 7 will weed out all the kids who can’t hold their liquor and only the strongest will survive.
4. It will help the economy.
Liquor sales will obviously skyrocket since more people are drinking. Business will be booming. This will trickle into other markets and our economy will be thriving.
5. It will make them tougher.
As I said earlier, if these tiny fuckers wanna survive, they’re gonna have to adapt quick. They’re going to have to learn how to toughen up so they don’t continue to puke their guts out. It’ll teach them to drink the right amount and be smart about it, as well as develop an iron stomach.
6. It will make them wiser.
You always learn your best lessons while drunk. An intoxicated night out will always teach you something. Now imagine if you start racking up those nights since you were 7. These fuckers are going to be geniuses.
7. It will teach them independence.
They’re going to have to learn how to take care of themselves. Walk home when they can’t drive because they’re too drunk (or because they’re 7), call their own Ubers, and clean up their own vomit. All this responsibility will prepare them for the real world.
8. It will weed out the bad parents.
If you let your kids drink the shitty stuff, you’ll get 25 to life. End of story.
9. Let’s face it; drunk children would be hilarious.
They really would be..
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