With the NHL losing the first three months of the season due to labor unrest, some of us (especially above the Mason-Dixon Line) are suffering from severe withdrawal from our favorite winter sport. Football season is nearly over and our bloodlust is beginning to grow, and nobody is about to start watching boxing. Here are some ways for you to cope with the loss of the NHL…
1. Zamboni Pledges
Strap mops to the back of two kids, then tie the two kids together and make them mop the dining room floors in zamboni fashion.
2. Pledge Hockey Fights
Make a couple pledges strap on helmets and hockey gloves, and watch them throw down. If you have an ice rink on, or near your campus, you’re in luck. Invade the afternoon public skating session and ruin a few childhoods as two of your “associate members” (at least that’s what you’ll tell the rink manager) give each other a good old fashion ice beating while you cheer them on from the bleachers. And don’t worry, it’s not cruel, the Canadians make their children do it.
3. Go To A Minor League Game
There are minor leagues all across the country and any city worth a damn will have their very own semi-pro squad that plays in some shithole 5,000-seater on the outskirts of a large city. Find out where the nearest minor league team plays, load up the cooler and hit the road. These leagues feature some of the best hockey fights known to man and the rosters are usually made up of mentally unstable man-children. Plus, you can get absolutely shit-canned at these arenas for less than 20 dollars.
4. Mighty Ducks Pledges
Give your pledge class president a duck call, some roller blades and make him round up his pledge class ala Charlie Conway in D2 and D3. Make sure he can’t roller blade…actually, can anybody still roller blade? Fuck, the 90s were great.
5. Hold A Herb Brooks Style Meeting
Line the pledges up wearing American flag shirts on a field and have them run gassers until they’re all puking. Herb was a master of mental torment and accepted nothing less than perfection. Run these kids ragged, blowing a whistle while saying “again“ over and over until one brave kid steps up and goes all Mike Eruzione. If anyone asks you what you’re doing, just say “conditioning for intramural softball” or some crap.
6. Download A Goal Horn Ringtone On All The Pledges’ Phones
They will forever be tormented whenever his favorite team scores a goal.
7. Throw A Solid Check Into A GDI
Walking through a lecture hall, you see him staring you down. You know this kid. He’s the only geed on the university student board and he’s the one who’s been trying to eliminate Greek Life on your campus (good luck with that). You lock eyes and he looks away for a brief moment. You pounce, pretending to side step an imaginary hole in the ground or some shit you make up on the fly. Slam him into the wall, making him spill his Mountain Dew all over his cargo shorts, while the crowd goes nuts (at least in your head).
8. Incorporate Hockey Celebrations Into Your Beer Pong Game
You just came back from a 5-to-1 cup deficit and sank your last three shots in a row to beat some sophomores, jump into the wall, drop to a knee whilst fist pumping and hug it out with your partner, especially if it’s a babe.
9. Build A Pledge Penalty Box
That little shiteater missed a spot while cleaning your coffee table. How are you supposed to do bumps off of a table that still has last night‘s residue on it? Two minutes for being a worthless cumstain. You sit in that box, and think about what you did. I’m always on the power play, bitch.
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