A Comprehensive Breakdown Of The Latest Craze: Alcoholic Root Beer

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When I was a kid, I loved to drink root beer. Sure, it was just as a sugary as any other soft drink on the shelf, but there was something special about it. Maybe it was the fact that it came in a brown glass bottle, or that it was, in name anyway, a “beer” like the ones my dad would drink 15 of a night. For whatever reason, it was my go-to beverage. As I grew up, I grew away from root beer for, well, real beer, and I’ve never looked back.

It’s now 2015. What a time to be alive. We have more technology at our fingertips than our grandparents ever could have imagined. We’ve cured diseases, broken down barriers, and made alcoholic root beer a common sight on the shelves of liquor stores across the country. Like I said, it’s an exciting time to be alive.

Obviously, I had to try the stuff when I saw it. I mean, conceptually speaking, it was mind-blowing. Root beer that gets you buzzed? Sign me up. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? I’ll admit, the stuff is good. The beverage itself is nothing new, but it’s gaining popularity rapidly, not to mention the fact that more and more varieties of it are being made. It’s looking like it might be the next big thing.

In my opinion, it shouldn’t be. Don’t get me wrong, though — it’s delicious. Really. If you haven’t tried any of the different alcoholic root beer brands out there, I highly recommend it. But should you let it become your drink of choice? Fuck no.

While undeniably tasty, the alcoholic root beers I’ve had have all been sickeningly sweet. I couldn’t imagine drinking more than one or two, let alone an entire case. In a way, it’s almost like drinking an alcoholic lemonade. Yeah, it tastes good, but you’d be crazy to sit down and crush more than a few, and you look like a huge pussy.

I think part of what makes alcoholic root beer so appealing, other than the pure novelty of it, is the nostalgia. It brings you back to simpler times — maybe watching football with your dad as a kid — and conjures up a plethora of great memories of your childhood. It puts your taste buds back in that special time and place while simultaneously getting you drunk. Pretty cool.

All that said, if I were you, I’d make it something you have every now and then. They’re good, but they aren’t for everyday consumption. Maybe make them something for a special occasion. Definitely try some of these alcoholic root beers, but please, for your health and your dignity, don’t start making alcoholic root beer your go-to drink for Friday nights. That would be weird.

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BlutarskyTFM (@BlutoGrandex) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems, the self-appointed Senior Military Analyst for TFM News, founder of the #YesAllMenWhoWearHawaiianShirts Movement, and, on an unrelated note, a huge fan of buffets. While by no means an athletic man, he was the four-square champion of his elementary school in 1997. When not writing poorly organized columns or cracking stupid, inappropriate jokes on Twitter, Bluto pretends to be well-read, finds excuses not to exercise, and actually has a real job.

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