A Condescending Breakdown Of Popular College Majors

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A Condescending Breakdown Of Popular College Majors

Computer Science

Calling all computer nerds! This major sounds like a shitload of fun — be a video game tester or build robots, maybe even one that you can fuck because you will never get any vagina with this major. In all reality, you are coding and making algorithms that take. For. Ever. Although you will get to develop video games or code thousands of lines of code for a robot to spin in a fucking circle. But if you do choose to sit behind a computer and stare at a screenwriting in a language literally no one understands, then you will make a decent salary averaging between 70 and 80 thousand dollars a year. Mom and Dad like this one because it is in high demand, but who needs job security?

Political Science and Government

I don’t know what the fuck you expect to do with this major, run for a local office making a mediocre salary I guess. The descriptions say that you will increase your critical thinking skills and communication skills. I guess no politicians take this class. You better have aced your high school statistics class because there will be a shitload of statistical analysis. The salary greatly ranges as the jobs range from lawyer to journalist, or as I see it, $$$ vs. $. Unfortunately, Mom likes this one because you could be a “good person.”


This one is for women. You all love to talk so why not learn to speak correctly? These careers range from the lonely HR person to media or news anchors, once again $$ vs. $. Communications is one your parents tell you not to do because “the hours suck” or “the pay isn’t great,” but dammit Mom how else am I supposed to get on the Lexington Dancing with the Stars, or the free bourbon at tastings? It is so worth it for the minor fame you will get. If you want the lime light, this is for you and your first day on the air tell your mom to suck a fat one.


Economics, the study of choices — you get to decide how you throw your money or someone else’s money away. This major will always be in high demand because people are always looking for a broker to throw their money around and collect unwarranted commission, or an accountant to tell them how to spend their money and how they don’t have enough money. So, it is a great major for us people without morals who have no problem tricking people into giving you their money. Think Wolf of Wall Street when he ran the “blue slip” business and told people that the price was low and on the rise when he didn’t know a fucking thing. Mom is okay with this one because it is stable and in demand, and Dad loves it because you can make ballsy decisions that result in you getting fucking filthy rich.


Firstly, let me say this is fucking stupid because you have been speaking this damn language for your entire life so why do you need to pay someone to tell you how to speak properly, which you will never do. This major also allows you to express your feelings through ink, or you can write shit that you feel and never sell it and then it will be worth a shit ton of money once you die because it is like art and that is how art works. Assuming you want to be a famous writer, you probably should not study this because famous English majors include an astronaut and numerous actors. So, if you want to be a J.K. Rowling then go be poor and write on a napkin without studying English. Mom and Dad do not particularly like this major which is fine because you shouldn’t either.


Want to be really poor with a lot of college debt because you had to get a Masters degree? Then this is for you because this job can earn you a nice 35k a year, which is not far above the poverty line. I think we all know what shitty jobs come with this major. Although, if you teach high school you might get perks of excitement like at my old high school where the Vice Principal body-slammed two kids at once because they were fighting at lunch. If Mom and Dad tell you to choose this major, just tell them you don’t want to be a poor bitch of society.


Biology is an alright major. It can get you into med school which is #goals because who in their right mind doesn’t want to walk in and say “yeah, um, I think it is strep because you tested positive and then make 200k a year?” However, if you do not achieve med school admission, you’re basically shit out of luck and have no option other than teaching biology. This major sounds good but you really only have two options so this is one that would take a lot of work so you don’t fuck it up and end up teaching bio in a shitty high school.


This is a somewhat honorable major that will help you succeed to a point. However, the point of a nurse is so the doctors do not have to do shitty work that they do not want to do, or the dirty work, or administering shots. Think about it — you earn just an average salary so that the doctor you work for only has to do the absolute least. However, this is one that is always in demand and that you would be okay with and that your parents would suggest. All in all, a pretty solid major.


The most school, the most shit, the least pay. Do people actually go see psychologists that are not drama-filled high school students or people like Mr. Monk? This honestly would seem like a nice desirable major and career but the pay is shit and the more I think about it, I would rather not have to talk to people who are bat shit crazy all day, every day. Momma would think this would be a good one but we know it is shit.


Ah, the one everyone goes to and I’m not sure why. Do they mistake it for economics, thinking they will have a job and good pay, or do they think that crowdfunding will launch their shitty idea for a product? You might as well minor in communications and be born into a business and tell people that this is why you are successful. Once again, your parents will approve or most likely suggest it.

Now that you have the low down on these majors, remember that if you like attention, choose communications, and if you want wealth, choose economics. If those don’t appeal, take your list of majors, throw the shit out, and choose liberal arts. You can make it as long as you don’t do what Mom and Dad say for the most part.


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