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A Cucking In The Woods

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Mountain weekend. For many, those two words evoke some of the better memories a carefree, destructive, borderline alcoholic college male can have. The inviting aroma of fresh pines and cool fall air mixed with stale beer and a dead, decomposing stench only morning-after vomit can create.

The legendary stories mountain weekend produced have been passed down through the chapter and kept me motivated to get through the grueling months of pledgeship and experience my first one. A wide-eyed and eager freshman, I couldn’t wait for all of it. Especially the opportunity to attempt to immortalize myself in our fraternity’s lore with some ridiculous story that can only be created when booze, girls, and the freedom of other people’s property in a different state combine.

Now I was finally initiated, and the time had come to find a date and prep for the trip. After that frantic week-long period where every guy in every fraternity is desperate to find a date for his buddy that just can’t pull, or get set up himself, I was relieved to have an ideal date I had hooked up with before that would get enough champagne, Natty light, and microwavable foods to keep me content all weekend. That is, until she texted me the day before we were set to leave explaining she had just gotten serious with that squid in PIKE and couldn’t make it that weekend because she was going out with him. What a douche.

Little did I know, it would be the best thing ever to happen to me. Eighteen years old and relatively simplistic, I decided to say fuck it. I would go stag. No date, no responsibilities, no blacked out girl to take care of. I was going solo. Sure I would have to pay for my own beer and probably wouldn’t get laid, but I tried to be smooth as I explained it to my brothers, saying, “Let’s just see where the weekend takes me.”

Fast forward to Thursday and I was a dangerous mix of naive and thrilled. I was armed with two personal thirties and a bottle of champagne because I wanted to treat myself. After a long car ride and hours of pre-gaming, I headed over from the cabin I was staying in to the main lodge where the party was, ready to get the night started. Hours went by in a blur and the Natty went down like water with the aid of everyone’s favorite nose candy provided free of charge by the seniors, passing the torch of fuckery down to our newly initiated pledge class.

I stepped outside on the balcony for a drunk dart when I heard the screen door shut behind me. I turned around to see who it was and my jaw dropped. Blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, short sundress, and a “fuck me” smile straight out of American Pie. I had seen her once before at our Halloween party a month earlier. A Delta on the final lap of a five-year plan. To a freshman like me, she was a dream.

“What’s your name? I haven’t seen you around before.” She spoke like a goddess.

“Hey I’m uhhh…Davis,” I stuttered.

“You must be a sophomore?” she questioned.

“Oh no, I’m actually a freshman,” I mumbled. Are you kidding me. You are a fucking idiot, Davis. Why the fuck did you just tell her you’re a freshman? She’s got to be at least 22 or 23. No way you’re getting laid now.

“Aw, that’s cute. I’m Brooke by the way. You do look older for your age,” she said, smoothly.

Wow. She was into it. I couldn’t believe it.

We shared a quick cancer stick and talked for a little bit about our majors and other stupid bullshit before going back into the party house to dance. As the party started to wind down and everyone was either blacked out or going back to their cabins with their dates, I awkwardly asked her who she was here with.

“I’m Tim’s date actually, but we’ve been fighting. He’s been such an asshole lately. Let’s just get out of here.” She said the words I was dying to hear.

I smiled and thought, Tim. Great. Only the scariest motherfucker on all of pledge board. He’d CRUSH me. But I had never seen anything like her before, so get out of there we did.

All two of my high school girlfriends and a few freshman fuck buddies couldn’t have prepared me for what came next. Little did I know this girl was an absolute FREAK, and I was well, just a freshman. Nervous as hell to seal the deal with easily the hottest girl I had ever been with, four years older than me and my first Delta, we rushed to my makeshift bed on a couch in the basement of our cabin. Freshman privileges. We stumbled around the dark in bed, and I prayed I wouldn’t get whiskey dick until finally I found the right spot.

I gave her the best six and a half minutes of my entire life and exhaled as I erupted like a volcano, ready to pass out. “Fill me up again,” she said. Holy fucking shit.

We kept going for easily another hour, our bodies mashing together like a drunk game of Twister under the bed sheets. The beat-up love sofa squeaked and so did she, until suddenly a door opened upstairs followed by a loud noise. Footsteps. Fuck. A group of upperclassmen teetering on the edge of blackout stumbled down the stairs, and I recognized one of the voices. I’m fucked.

I hid Brooke under the sheets and rushed to put my boxers on but it was too late. I came to the discouraging conclusion that there is nowhere to hide on a shitty couch that was seemingly built for a five-year-old. The guys had come downstairs and turned the lights on just in time to see Brooke and I bare-ass naked, her boobs bouncing up and down as she took me for the ride of my life.

“Holy shit, Davis. I can’t believe it. That’s Brooke! You are fucked!” The voices hollered, laughing.

They were all standing there watching a freshman get schooled in bed by a 22-year-old. All of them were loving it, except for one.

Image via Shutterstock

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