A Fraternity Man Tried To Go Without Any Substances For A Month And Here’s What Happened

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Local fraternity man Patrick Coleman has been in the spotlight for some time now. He found himself to be the center of adulation and amazement on a Friday night last month when he was challenged by a brother to put in an entire can of dip for five minutes. He surpassed the challenge, throwing in one additional pouch and going for a whole seven minutes, before promptly vomiting the contents of the entire challenge into a nearby trash can. Ever since that day, Coleman’s reputation as the guy who can ingest basically anything has been cemented.

Since the tobacco challenge, Pat has been very active in seeking out other challenges and dares from the people he calls his friends. In the last week, he’s smoked an entire pack of cigarettes at once, polished a 30-rack of light beer by himself, and taken on many more similar challenges. He’s been doing very well with the ladies over the course of all this, despite acknowledging that “there’s nothing attractive about what I’m doing.” We sat down to speak with him the other day, and he told us everything.

“I don’t know man, I just can’t stop. I’m a well-liked guy as it is, but I just got an incredible rush when I did that first challenge. It might have been from all the nicotine, but it really felt like I was unique and talented, and the people were all so amazed. Now they constantly challenge me to do things. It’s always, ‘Hey Pat, bet you won’t eat 25 scorching wings,’ or ‘Hey Pat, bet you won’t shotgun this 40.’ It’s like all I am is a spectacle now. I no longer get the same feeling I used to. I really think I need to stop. If I don’t I’m either going to die or develop a legitimate addiction to one or more of the many addictive substances I’ve been ingesting.”

We followed Coleman as he tried to put his previous life behind him. He agreed to go 30 days without consuming any substances. No alcohol, no tobacco, nothing.

Day One

The first day was a promising one. Coleman had a tough time without his morning routine of three shower beers and a cigarette before class, but a coffee got him through the morning in relatively decent shape. He remarked that it was kind of nice not to have a buzz during class. He was really craving a dip around dinnertime, but was able to power through.

Day Two

A tough one for Pat. It took him nearly an hour to get out of bed, and he was sweating profusely throughout the morning. He had seven cups of coffee before noon, and headed over to a local Mexican eatery to chow down on three gigantic burritos for lunch. We asked him how he was holding up, to which he told us, “Fuck off.”

Day Seven

One whole week of no substances. We caught up to the lifeless, shivering husk of a person that was Pat and he dropped his textbooks on the ground. “I’m, uh… I’m doing fine. Just fine. I don’t need alcohol. Nope, none for me. I don’t need a dip. Not even one. Not one… single… pouch.” His eyes were bugging out of his skull, and it took him a few minutes to calm down.

“Sorry, guys, I was really strung out there for a minute. It’s been a rough day. I hope you’ll-”

Just then, a student walked by and tossed a finished cigarette into an ash tray. Something inside of Coleman just… cracked. He let out a tremendous roar, and barreled for the ash tray, where he picked up the spent cig and put it in his mouth. After inhaling fiercely from it until it burned his upper lip, it was apparent that his bloodlust had just begun.

We tried to follow Coleman as he sprinted back to his fraternity house, and by the time we got there he was passed out in a mess of beer bottles and dip cans. One of his brothers was also at the scene, and took some time to explain the situation.

“Yeah, he pounded eleven beers, smoked a pack of cigarettes, and was halfway through a can of long-cut before he passed out. I’m honestly surprised he went a week, and that week might be the difference between him reaching 35 and 40 years of age before he croaks. But it looks like the legend is back.”

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