I’m just going to start this off by asking that you please not get bogged down with the reason as to why I’ve never had a one-night stand. It is not important at all to this piece, and talking about it is just going to make me feel bad. I’m also not going to talk about how many 2+ night stands I’ve had, because that, too, will depress me. So let’s just not get into all that, okay? I’m not going to expressly tell you guys how many girls I actually do get, so don’t even think about asking. All my feeble self-confidence will allow me to say is that your initial assumption about how many girls I get when you heard I’ve never had a one-night stand is probably pretty accurate. As they say, though, “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.”
And so it goes.
Hey there! I’m Jared, and I can almost guarantee that your one-night stand will end successfully if you use my patented “Foolproof Guide To One-Night Stands™.”
Q: What is a successful end to a one-night stand?
A: She’ll be in your bed after bar close and out of your bed come morning time, bucko.
Q: How is my guide foolproof?
A: It’s foolproof because it has never failed. Not once. And not just because it hasn’t been battle-tested. Well, technically solely because it’s never been battle-tested, but also because it’s perfectly formulated using ancient secrets from various Asian ancestries — including at least 15% Chinese!
Now, I’m not here to give you advice on how to actually talk to girls. That’s on you. I’m just here to help you make sure it goes down smoothly once you’ve already sealed the deal.
Have a problem with that? Too bad, punk. See, I’m a pretty stubborn dude. When it comes to advice, there are only two sources from which I’ll take it. The first of those? My own big, meaty, pulsating encephalon — that means brain to all you clods out there. I’m a pretty clever dude. I get more brain blasts than college Jimmy Neutron (same dude, he just takes a lot of unprescribed Adderall now). The second? My legal counsel, who have advised me to not give out any advice regarding how to interact with females in public until my court case involving indecent exposure has been settled. As always, my apologies go out to the First Episcopal Church women’s choir. I had no idea there was anyone aboard that seemingly abandoned charter bus I cranked off behind after I saw that Hooters billboard, and I certainly had no idea you were all on the way to perform pro-bono at Agnes’ husband’s funeral.
My point? Neither of those sources is you, so shut up and take the free atomic knowledge bombs I’m about to drop on you Hiro-shitheads.
If you want your one-night stand to think you’re one stand-up guy, all you have to do is take the following advice.
1. Forget her name? Don’t worry about it!
Don’t think those uninspired sweet nothings you whispered into your nightly selection’s ear at the bar have her fooled — she knows what this is. She knows you’re about to toot it and boot it. Split her and quit her. Ejaculate and evacuate. And, because of that, you don’t have to remember her name because she isn’t expecting you to. Sure, if a situation arises wherein you need to address her by it you should take a wild guess (if you get it right she will be very impressed, and may even let you take the 3 a.m. train to Pootertown), but overall don’t worry about it. Once the sun beams in through your window, that’ll just be vestigial information.
2. Make sure your room is as messy as possible.
This one can’t be stressed enough. Before you go out trolling for girls, make sure to take everything out of your closet, dresser, desk, gun safe, dildo lockbox, etc. and sprawl it out across your bedroom floor. The purpose of this? Upon your girl’s arrival, she will be able to see right away that you own a lot of things, and are thus a man of considerable social importance.
3. Having a hard time kicking her out? Here’s your solution!
Shoot your seed and want her to leave? Have some sexodus and now want her to make an exodus? Simple! All you have to do is set an alarm on your phone for the exact time you want her to leave. When the alarm goes off, pick up your phone and pretend to answer it as if it’s an incoming call.
“Oh my God, your apartment is on fire,” you’ll then tell her.
Unless you’re unlucky, she’ll be so stressed out thinking about the possibility of losing all her possessions, including her scrappy Chihuahua Señor Cucamonga, that she won’t question why somebody called your phone to tell her that her apartment is on fire when you had only met two hours prior. If you aren’t sure whether she lives in a house or an apartment, feel free to take the safe route and replace “apartment” with “mother.”
4. Make her breakfast right when you get back to your place.
If you make her breakfast in between the bar and the bedroom, it takes away any and all possibility of her overstaying her welcome in hopes of a free morning meal.
Pro tip: package it up nicely for her in a tupperware. That way, she can take it with her as she rolls out at 4:12 a.m. to go take care of her burning apartment/mother..