Nothing is more terrifying than pregnancy. Didn’t you see the original Alien movie? Ok, so chest-bursting xenomorphs don’t really count as babies, but still! Every man’s two least favorite phrases are “I’m pregnant” and “Not tonight.” College is probably the most terrifying of potential times to hear that one of the lucky ladies you took home to your concrete brick love shack is running late on her monthly meeting with that frigid, cockblocking bitch, Mother Nature. Seriously, would it kill her not to promote a way to guarantee blue balls for a week once a month? It’s just not right.
If you find yourself on the receiving end of this phone call, your life will most likely flash before your eyes. You’ll probably assume you’ve died. You can definitely think about it that way, because if Mrs. Future Shotgun Wedding is right, your social life has just gone out back and committed seppuku faster than a samurai who got caught sleeping with the daughter of the guy who hired him.
Have hope though, because though you’ve just been told she’s almost definitely 100% surely pregnant, you will soon find out this is all just the terrible nightmare known as a “pregnancy scare.” Accurate, right? How are you going to survive the between time, where you think some small bundle of joy sharing half your genes will be calling you “Da-da” in nine months? I’m glad you asked.
Step 1: Don’t Panic
Did you read Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy? Of course you didn’t. If you did, you would know the number one rule in any crisis of world-destroying magnitude is not to panic. Are you panicking? Damn it, I said not to do that! Now calm the fuck down. Go take a shot or something. You need to be rational about this. The best way to deal with the worst news you can get before 25 is by not freaking out. Your hormones got you into this mess, you definitely don’t want them to actually try to fix the situation. That’s the kind of dumb move that lands you with a restraining order and child support payments for eternity, champ.
Step 2: Resort To Plan B
I don’t mean actual Plan B. It’s probably too late for that. Though, you might want her to give it a shot anyway. No, I mean actually talk to her and try and figure this thing out. Make sure she’s taken a pregnancy test, a blood test, a math test, whatever test will give you a negative result, really. Anything to avoid dropping out of college to become a dirt farmer so you can support your love child, drunkenly conceived in the campus fountain. Get yourself to a drug store, avoid the knowing, soul-crushing gaze of the cashier, and get those test kits over to your girl like they’re the cure to that plague at the end of the second Mission Impossible movie.
Step 3: Wait Fucking Eagerly For The Results
Pacing a hole in the floor there, bud? You have reason to be doing so, because if this thing goes badly, you’ll be playing the worst game of catch in your life in about nine months. The tests take way too long, even though half of them claim to be instant. What kind of shit chemist makes these instant things? Do they even know what that means? Don’t try to pee on the thing yourself, that doesn’t help. Just because you helped start this whole process doesn’t mean you can help figure out if it has an end.
Step 4: Get The Results
Congratulations! You’re not the father. Now, brush up on your one-night stand technique after you’ve stopped sobbing and hyperventilating uncontrollably in the corner. Pull yourself together, man. You aren’t the one who was almost pregnant. You should probably also hug the girl in question and apologize for being a giant cock about the whole situation, but this part is optional, of course.
Step 5: Blackout And Forget
Well, you just survived a pregnancy scare. You’re one of the lucky ones who doesn’t have a pregnant one-night stand sitting at home, waiting for a proposal. If you ever wondered where some of the guys you went to high school with went wrong, you now understand their situation, though yours ended with the best possible outcome: not being a father.
Wrap it up next time, dumbass.
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