A Handy Guide To Scoring With Foreign Girls

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Foreign girls are like imported liquor: You have a wide range of different options out there. They go from the top shelf, sleek, expensive bottles — the kind you’re going to have to drop a month’s paycheck on before they let you pop one — all the way down to the Eastern European discount vodka, which smells weird, makes you puke quickly, and has a lot more hair than you’re comfortable with.

A seasoned traveler and study-abroadist knows what he likes and what he can get. But if it’s your first time out of the country besides family and high school trips, you probably have no idea what you’re doing.

Don’t try to hit on the first thing with an accent and hope you get lucky. If you’re really serious about scoring some hot international tail, here’s where to look and what to expect:

England: America is Back-to-Back World War champs with a freshman winning season (1776). Don’t let the British forget this. Take every opportunity to eat hot Yorkshire pudding and bring down some London bridges. With British girls, you have the advantage of them thinking American is the sexiest accent in the world. Your main con is going to be that Brits tend to be either Kiera Knightley or Wallace and Gromit, with not a lot in between. But this is going to be your most solid bet by far, and the ones I know are pretty wild if you can get them alone in the bedroom.

France: High fashion, smooth accent, and a paradoxically thin population for how much cheese they eat, France is the destination for anybody who wants to chug wine and have sex outdoors. French girls can be a tough nut to crack, as they’re still a little bent over from WWII, but if you can seduce one, prepare to understand why this country is credited with a pretty good type of kiss.

Italy: Despite what the French might tell you, the Italians are the ones who actually invented the blowjob. Getting with an Italian girl is like driving a Ferrari, except she’s the one working the stick. These girls are intricate, exquisite, and know what the fuck they’re doing. Try and stay to the south but away from Sicily if possible; things get rustic and industrial pretty quickly. Note: The hotter Italians seem to be much more willing to mingle if you can get to them while out of Italy. Don’t know why.

Germany/Austria: Where the beer flows freely, the food is greasy and breaded, and all the women are yellow-haired, Teutonic bombshells. Little known fact: There is actually a rare breed of ginger here that puts even the Munich blondes to shame. Germans have a tough external shell, but once you get to know them, they are some of the warmest people in the world. They are also the most sexually aggressive. What a German woman tells you what she wants, it happens.

Brazil and Spain/Latin America: Know some Spanish or Portuguese. If you don’t, be one hell of a dancer. These girls communicate primarily through sweat and rhythm, so you’re going to do your best work in the club. Brazilian girls go hard. Don’t expect to be home before 5 a.m., but she’ll make the sunrise all that more arousing.

Russia: The Russians you’ll want to get with are going to be way out of your league. Sorry, but it’s true. To climb these icy mountains, you’ll need to have deep pockets to buy supplies and roll with a team of really good wingmen. When all else fails, make sure your rental car is a luxury. If you can find a fellow Russian to pull for you, you’re golden. It’s tough work, but the reward is some supermodel-level tail whose profile pic you can show off to your brothers for years. Again, better odds outside of Russia.

Africa/Middle East: The third world isn’t for everyone. Try and stick to the huge international cities, and remember to wear protection. In the Middle East, Abu Dhabi or Dubai is a good bet for some smoking Persians if you can afford it. Everywhere else you’re going to need to be married or be able to pay a dowry of 100 goats.

India: Bring a machete to cut your way through all that excess bush.

Asia: Be a U.S. citizen or offer a path to a green card. That’s all there is to it. Unless you’re in Japan, and then know something about the underground Japanese whiskey scene. Trust me.

Australia: Finally, we reach the crown jewel of all foreign girls: the Aussie. She can out-run you, out-drink you, and out-fuck you. Her veins run with cheap alcohol and her heart beats with madness. In many ways, Australians are the southern girls of the wider world: They’re always down to party, they like to wear short shorts, and can hang with the boys any day of the week. You strap yourself to that kangaroo pouch, and you’re going to have a hundred frisky dingoes biting at your ass all the way to Uluru (that’s what they call Ayers Rock now – there you go, now you have an easy conversation starter with an Australian – you’re welcome).

So get out there and sample the culture. You’ll never know what your flavor is until you try everything.

5 years in College. 2 in Europe. He may have limited employable skills, but he can claim a long, illustrious career of avoiding arrest, drunk golf carting, limo ownership, and drinking wine from a bag.

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