A Letter To Myself As An Incoming Pledge

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A Letter To Myself As An Incoming Pledge

Hey Asshole,

Congratulations, you were smart enough to join a fraternity and not be a jort-wearing GDI. I’m going to let you in on the ways of the world since you’re fresh meat for the next four months. This shit will get you through the next four to six years with stories that’d shock Dr. Drew, and memories for your spank bank when you inevitably give some broad a ring because you’re 38 and she’s 22. These tips are in no ranking order because I’m writing this with a massive hangover and don’t currently have the mental capacity to accurately order anything. Deal with it.

First, you need to know what the essentials are. Make sure you pack every item on this list because they’re all key to your survival. They are: boat shoes, collared shirts, neck ties, khakis, your golf clubs, all the groceries/supplies you can scam off Mom and Dad, and a monster fucking tolerance. The last one is the most important. It will determine how much drunk sex you’ll still be awake for and how much the brothers will respect you, even though they’ll never tell you.

Now that you know what you need to bring you need to know what not to bring. Do not, under any circumstances, bring any of the following items: high top shoes, clothing with cargo pockets, or books. Now that you’re moved in and you don’t look like a future black-balled pledge lets cover the topic of how to survive pledgeship.

Your most important task is to find out who in your pledge class has a fake ID. You won’t need him at first, since the brothers will be nice to you for a few weeks before they start raining shit on your life. However, once real pledgeship starts and you have rules, you’re going to need this guy to buy you booze, and often, to de-stress and cut loose. Throw him a good tip the first couple times and your supply will stay stocked. College is all about a return on your investment. Shit, that’s exactly what pledgeship is, an investment for future gains. Repeat after me, one semester hell, seven to eleven semesters hotel. Before I move on from this subject, you need to know exactly what booze to buy. You’ll need 30 racks of Natty Light and a couple bottles of Jack on hand at all times. For special occasions substitute Jack with Makers. You’ll also need a bottle of vodka and some juice or soda for slams. They love that shit. No they don’t want your beer. God I forgot how stupid you are.

Now that you have a steady supply of booze, let’s cover what kind of groceries you’ll need. Buy a ton of ramen noodles, easy mac, and hot pockets. The microwave is your new best friend. If you want a high-class meal be sure to stop by the Union or any other campus establishment where you can charge meals to your student ID. Don’t waste your time trying to eat healthy, it’s not going to happen. Your metabolism is in tip-top shape, so ride that out while you can. And any time Dad comes to town for a football game, make sure you agree to go to dinner afterwards. Then you can order a 22-ounce porterhouse.

Since you now look and drink like a fraternity man, you need to know how to act like one. Above all else we are gentleman, who get rowdy as fuck and smash 90% of the ass on campus. Hit on every girl you encounter. It isn’t rocket science, but I’ll give you the core openers you can use. If you’re worth a shit you’ll be using these openers on sorority girls so you can always lead with “What house are you in?” This will get them talking about how much they love their sisters and how they have the coolest big.

Note: a big is a sorority pledge’s big sister AKA her bff. If you ever get introduced to a girl’s big, make sure you impress her like you would the girl’s mother. Once the girl’s big signs off on you being a good guy, you’ll be able to stick it wherever you want. After you’ve covered what house she’s in ask her where she went to high school. If she mentions a school that any of your pledge brothers or initiated brothers went to, make sure to mention that. Mutual acquaintances equals you’re a good guy equals you’ll be balls deep in her by the end of the night. If you’re still making conversation at this point instead of sucking her face, you can drop the “What’s your major?” line. She’ll probably say something like design or journalism. Make sure you always fire back with business or anything with a “pre” in front of it. This will make her pre her pants.

Now that you know how to pull tail for the next half decade, let’s cover how to survive the actual pledgeship part of freshman year. Being a pledge is like being in boot camp. Stand up straight, shut your mouth, and always answer questions with “Sir, yes sir.” Also, you’re never right. Never. The active brothers are never wrong so don’t even try to fight it. Always carry a pack of cigarettes with you. The brothers will constantly be hung over, so if you bum them smokes you’ll be on their good side. They’ll still haze your balls off, but it shows you don’t have your head up your ass. You should also always have a lighter. Drunk actives will routinely lose theirs so if you have a smoke for them, but no lighter what fucking good are you? Again, keep your head out of your ass.

By now you’ve basically got it made on how to survive pledgeship. However, there is one weekend where you’re going to disregard every rule your house has, and that is walk out. Walk out is a sacred tradition for pledges. Your pledge class will plan an escape weekend to party at a cabin in the woods and do so many drugs that you’d make Woodstock partygoers blush. The number one rule of walk out is DON’T GET CAUGHT. You and your pledge brothers have to escape from the actives the weekend you’re going. You’ll come up with a rendezvous point for everyone to meet at. Stay in groups for a day or two leading up to walk out. The actives always know when this weekend is going down. They will kidnap you and lock you in a room if they think you’re leaving. They will ransom you back to your pledge brothers for an obscene payday, typically consisting of mass quantities of alcohol and food, and maybe some bizarre porn to make it interesting. Even if you’ve followed my advice to the tee so far there is no training for playing a four person shooter game and taking tequila shots each time you die, followed by a hot/cold shower, and being left in a garbage can outside in nothing but your boxers. It doesn’t matter if you have to fist fight, get in a high-speed chase, or bash a brother’s head in a car door; you get your ass out of the house and to the rendezvous point. Once you’re there you’re home free and you can enjoy the biggest bender of the semester to that point. The only drawback to walk out is you are usually secluded at a cabin in the woods which makes it harder to invite tail to come party with you. No matter though, this is a weekend to make some memories. Shotgun beers, break shit, light stuff on fire, and do any drug that’s passed around. Make sure you arrive back at the house hung over as fuck because the actives will definitely have a surprise or two waiting for you to clean up.

At this point in the semester you should be nearing finals and the end of pledgeship is in sight. Now you only have five more comprehensive exams and hell week. Before finals make sure you score some Adderall so you can pull a few all-nighters and miraculously make grades. Then you only have to survive hell week and napping one hour a night while the actives blare “Who Let the Dogs Out” on repeat while your whole pledge class crams into a room made for two people.

You can see the finish line up ahead and she looks glorious. There are perky tits and free shots waiting for you when you cross it, complete with free sober drivers and man servants for the rest of your collegiate career. The only thing you have to do now is survive I-Night.

By the way you’re totally fucked on I-Night.

Sincerely,

Future You

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