A Letter to Our Rival Fans

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Dear Shitheads,

First and foremost, fuck you. Second of all, go fuck yourselves.

We may be from the same state, but I would rather have a political discussion with Michael Moore than see you walking through my college town. I would rather have a Celine Dion Greatest Hits power hour than have a five minute conversation with one of you moronic jizz rags. I would rather have my toenails removed one by one by a topless Rosie O’donnell covered in mayonnaise than hear you try to explain why “this is the year.”

Oh, you’re ranked really high the second week of the regular season? That’s so impressive, let me know when you stop playing Junior Varsity teams where any student over 5’8” and 170 lbs is instantly put in the running for the starting quarterback job.

It’s not that I want my team to beat yours. I want your team to lose, get caught participating in an underground homosexual orgy, get addicted to crack cocaine, drop out and become homeless. Every time I see your pukestain colors on the television screen, I pray you’ll somehow find a way to lose by a hundred thousand, while the ACLs of your entire squad simultaneously rupture via Act of God.

It’s not that I completely despise you. Actually, fuck that, yes it is.

So maybe you’ve had a few good seasons the past couple years. After a brutal history of letdowns, I’m sure you’re all feeling pretty proud of yourselves. Whoop dee fucking doo, my insignificant peers. While you celebrate your moderate success, I’ll be anxiously counting down to the day where I can revel in your inevitable defeat.

Your team may be the scum of human existence, but the very least you could do is try to have some class and respect for yourselves. But of course not, you’d rather wallow knee deep through the chlamydia-laden wasteland that is your campus and high five each other enthusiastically after every pathetic field goal. I would rather attend a sex addict seminar for obese women while wearing a g-string made of bacon than run the risk of raw-dogging one of the desperate crusty slores that call your school home. I hope your dicks fall off.

Rivalry week may be a few months away, but my hatred for each and every one of you knows nothing of time, boundaries, or reason. Every time I see your school’s name on the ticker on SportsCenter, I silently hope for a massive scandal that reveals your entire roster’s secret double lives as hermaphrodites. Every time I meet one of your alumni, I laugh to myself as they hand me a pizza at my doorstep before returning to their ‘98 Corolla. If I had a nickel for every disappointed parent your school creates, I could buy the entire internet.

Despite my undying fury towards you, I find myself torn. I’m not sure if I’d rather watch you lose every single game by 50, or if I’d prefer you to go undefeated, only to be completely dismantled come rivalry weekend. While I would love to watch you bask in a mediocre season, I think the joy of crushing your National Title dreams would be even more satisfying.

Whatever the case, November is fast approaching and I personally cannot fucking wait. Regardless of how either of our seasons may go, the final week of the regular season will be devoted to a continual rolling blackout paired with an inhuman amount of shit talking. I hope you bring some tissues, because I can assure you tears will be shed. Also, they’ll be useful for your post game masturbation, because no girl wants to blow a guy with herpes.

Fuck You,
StuffFratPeopleLike

PS: Tell your mother I had a great time last night. She’s a really sweet lady.


Email this to a friend

Nice Move

StuffFratPeopleLike

StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments. All shameless praise can be directed to: joe@grandex.co

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  1. 1
    The_Outback_Guy

    Sure they may have mispelled Auburn, but as we all know it’s not their fault. It’s the fault of those fucking pledges standing behind them.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
  2. 0
    never pro BROno

    Garnet and Gold will always look better than the puke stain that is Royal Blue and Baby-Diarrhea Orange. Fuck you, Glad you got to be good for a minute but you’re now our bitch. I’m not going to defend and say it is “our year” that would be to FSU like, but it will most certainly not be your jort clad, inbred team that spoils it for us. Oh and please come talk as much shit as you want in Tallahassee, you’re already a pussy and the alcohol wont help you defend yourself from the inevitable ass beating that will ensue.

    ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      never pro BROno

      Glad you’re concerned with my dick you piece of shit fuck. Here is a little bit of advice, no one besides the SEC gives a shit about their conference. You will never here any other conference talking about itself as a conference. While we’re at it though, how many job interviews will ask how good your school was at football? None will ask that. They will look down on you because you went to a shitty SEC school instead of an academically superior school like the many in our “shit hole conference.” Have fun working for us or before that happens do us a favor and chug bleach in traffic after cutting your dick off with a rusty butter knife.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      To The Hazement

      if you have any sort of an alumni base in your fraternity you should not have to worry about going to a job interview. The majority of the guys that graduate from my chapter have jobs lined up before they even leave. So quit trying to say your “superior” degree is going to give you any real type of an advantage over someone from the SEC. This is what happens when you are from a single letter chapter in the South with a very deep, involved, and successful alumni base.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Boiler Fratter

      ^^ While I find it awesome watching Ohio State get the holy beatdown laid on them every January, I still root for all conference teams (except IU, of course). I don’t think anyone is going to think the Big Ten is remotely good this year, but you still gotta root for the conference since it boosts your profile (not really anything Purdue has to worry about, let’s be honest). But the only two conferences that root for member schools are SEC and Big Ten.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      Bone Padre

      2 Indianans arguing about who’s school is better is like 2 homeless guys duking it out over who has the nicer cardboard box.

      Your state smells weird and so do your mother’s gaping vaginas. You are the scum of the Midwest, and the Midwest has FUCKING IOWA.

      How you ever stole, er, convinced an NFL team to build a stadium in the parking lot that you call a state is BEYOND me. Oh, and Peyton Manning is a calcium-less fairy.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • 0
      GTgentleman

      Sorry big guy, but you and Vanderbilt should switch spots. FSU is the ass-crack of the ACC academically. You don’t belong.

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago
    • -1
      Guy In A Fraternity

      Dear Boiler Fratter,

      First of all, shut the fuck up.
      Second of all, your university blows fucking dick, since you have the highest concentration of males in the state of Indiana.
      Third of all, your joke of an event designed to keep half your campus from coming to IU for THE Little 500 is embarrassing.
      Fourth, lick my fucking ball sack.
      Fifth, what does NCAA stand for at Purdue? No Championships At All.

      Sincerely,
      The pride of the State of Indiana

      ^ ThisTake a lapReply • 2 years ago

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