A Letter To Your Rival House

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A Letter To Your Rival House

Dear Assholes,

First of all, fuck you guys. You are all a bunch of cock-sucking try-hards that couldn’t get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a sack full of bananas. Second, we know that you sent your pledges over to “fuck with us” last night. Lucky for us I have taken shits that are smarter than your pledges, so the only thing they did was knock out the light on the porch and kick over a potted plant. Let me tell you that really disrupted our day, I mean it took the pledges like 30 minutes to fix that. You bastards!

We should come clean though. We did tell everyone your hazing secret, although you didn’t make it too hard for every one to figure out. We couldn’t have been the only ones that knew that your pledges have to suck off the homeless guy that sits outside the liquor store. I mean we did start the nickname “Bum Polishers,” but seriously guys, you should stop smiling at him when you walk past. It kind of gives it away.

Look, to be honest, we have no idea how this feud between our houses started. Our alumni have told it so many ways. One says that one year your sweetheart (you guys should know the year, it was the only time your sweetheart was hot) fucked two whole rows of our composite, and for some reason this pissed you off.

Another one said you all got angry because girls keep coming over to our house instead of yours, so you cut the power to our house during the middle of one of our parties. Although, as the story goes, the guys where able to convince a good number of the girls to go topless in the dark so when the power kicked back on everyone had a good show, so we should have been happy about that. Look, we don’t really know why this happened and to be honest we don’t care, your sheer presence in the Greek system is enough to just piss us off.

With that said, despite the fact that your “prank” sucked donkey dicks, there will be retribution for your actions. Since stupidity is not limited to your pledge class, it should have taken you guys about 20-30 minutes to read this letter, which gives us plenty of time to act. Our pledges should have just finished completely blocking off you back door with cow shit. Have fun cleaning that up.

Sincerely,

Your best friends from down the road

P.S. One of us banged one of your sisters and one of us banged one of your girlfriends. At the time that this happened they did not know who the girls were, but now that they know they are not sorry. Also we hear y’all’s moms weekend is next week, and we can’t wait.

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