2 weeks ago, I published an article entitled “A List Of People Who Need To STFU.” The article was critically acclaimed by numerous academic scholars and I won a Pulitzer Prize AND a Nobel Prize for it.
Well, the world is FILLED with people who desperately need to shut the fuck up immediately. It was physically impossible to cram all of them into one measly list, so legally I am forced to write a sequel.
Here is a list of people who need to shut the fuck up, part II.
Here’s how to be conspiracy theorist
Step 1. Google “conspiracy theories.”
Step 2. Memorize them.
Step 3. Be a dick.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with feminism. The dictionary definition of feminism is “the belief that women should be treated equal to men.” Of course! That’s great. But some people take it to the extreme. The internet is filled with chubby chicks with purple buzzcuts who get offended by absolutely everything and cry a river of rich white girl tears when anyone slightly disagrees with them. They’re the type of people to blog about how pizza encourages rape culture, and they’re why feminism is currently in the Final Four of this year’s NF Bracket.
PEOPLE WHO BRAG ABOUT HATING SPORTS
Oooohh, you just posted a long Facebook post about how you’re not gonna watch the Super Bowl. Congrats! You’re so cool and different! Just kidding, no one cares! Go fuck yourself with a rainbow dildo in a blizzard.
Hey, you’re really annoying, too. Stop standing up and screaming at the TV. It’s just a game, you moronic pile of cat turds. Also, stop talking about which NFL players are bad. They’re multi-millionaire professional athletes you weigh 357 pounds and you’re sitting on your couch with a beer and 11 bags of potato chips.
You probably clicked on this link hoping you’d see Kanye West on the list, right? And if so, you’re probably throwing your dog at the wall out of furious anger that he’s not on the list. That’s the problem — it’s okay to hate Kanye, but people that hate Kanye hate him WAY too much. If you mention Kanye around them, their face gets red from boiling hot rage and the veins in their forehead pop out and they start screaming their rehearsed speech “HE’S AN ASSHOLE! HE’S SO ARROGANT! HIS MUSIC SUCKS! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.” Calm down; he’s just a rapper.
It’s 2016. If you’re still homophobic, you’re an imbecile. If you hate gay people for no reason, it’s ‘cause you’re so deep in the closet that you’re finding Christmas presents. Yeah, if you’re a guy that hates the LGBT community, it’s because you secretly really want to take Ryan Gosling out to a nice seafood dinner on Valentines Day.
GUYS WHO ARE MAD THAT HOMOPHOBES ARE ON THIS LIST
You’re getting ready to type your comments like, “Why is TFM becoming so politically correct! This is bullshit!” This isn’t about political correctness (I hate political correctness), it’s just about pissing you off. And I guess it worked.
HARRY POTTER FANS
You’re an adult, stop talking about Hogwarts. Stop sitting at your computer stroking your wand to pictures of JK Rowling. All your encyclopedic knowledge you have about the Harry Potter universe is taking up space in your brain that could have been used for making friends or getting a job.
PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT MODERN RAP
“Rap sucks nowadays! If 2pac was still alive, Lil Wayne would be working at Burger King!” Shut up, man. There’s plenty of good modern rappers, even mainstream ones. We got Kendrick Lamar, J. Cole, Drake, Kanye, Chance The Rapper, Tyler, The Creator, Earl Sweatshirt, Childish Gambino, MGK, Mac Miller, A$AP ROCKY, Big Sean, Kid Cudi, Schoolboy Q, I can go on all day. Rap is alive and well. Calm down, you bucket of dickfats.
“Big budget Hollywood movies suck.” Shut up, you pretentious shoe full of period blood. I’m gonna go watch Batman v Superman and Furious 7, I don’t give a crap if you don’t consider them “art.” Enjoy watching your black and white, indie French films about child prostitution in the slums of Wyoming.
Louis CK is one of the best stand-up comics ever. Unfortunately, he may be a massive creep. Grab a barf bag and google “Louis CK sexual assault allegations.” Yes, Louis has faced allegations of sexual assault for years. When he was asked about it in an interview, he answered by saying “I do the work I do, the rest I can’t look after… I try to speak to the work whenever I can. Just to the work and not my personal life.” HE DIDN’T DENY IT. He just dodged the question with a non-answer like a damn congressman. Don’t tell another one of your angry dick jokes until you actually give us a real answer, white ginger Cosby.
DUDES WHO VAPE
You look like you’re sucking a robot’s dick. Not even a clean robot, a robot with a bunch of STDs. You’re gonna get robo herpes. You’re gonna be patient zero for cyber AIDS, some futuristic Freddie Mercury shit. Don’t do this to yourself.
PEOPLE WHO STILL MAKE ‘NETFLIX AND CHILL’ JOKES
Dude, that joke has been run into the ground like a crashing helicopter. Once there’s 27 trillion memes about it, t-shirts about it, and your grandma has heard of it, the joke is dead. It’s not funny anymore (much like this article).
GUYS WHO SEND UNSOLICITED DICK PICS
Dude, what’s your end game? Do you think this chick is gonna see your unwelcome cock photography and be like, “Oh my god, that schlong is amazing. I need it inside me NOW.” No, you’re being a creeper — stop it. Plus, her and her friends are laughing their asses off at how tiny it is. Plus, the fact that its uncircumcised makes it look like Alf.
PEOPLE WHO GET OFFENDED BY COMEDIANS
Did that joke in that new Daniel Tosh special offend you? No one cares. Did that Chris Rock bit from ’99 that you saw on HBO last night hurt your feelings? No one cares. Comedians are telling JOKES. Stop getting angry about it. If a comic offends you, just don’t watch them. There’s no need to go tweet and blog about how problematic they are. Get a sense of humor, dumbass.
His song about police brutality somehow set us back 5 decades in race relations.
DUDES WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT THE FRIEND ZONE
If you like a girl that you’re platonic friends with, just make a move, pussy. At least tell her how you feel. If she’s not interested, then who gives a crap? Just moves on, there’s zillions of girls in the world. Just don’t vilify a chick for not wanting to jump into the sack with you. You’re not the stud you think you are, Chaz.
Iggy, your music sounds like a bunch of poodle puppies getting slaughtered with a lacrosse stick while a long-nailed elderly lady scratches a chalkboard and demonic babies scream at alarm clocks. Also, stop trying to “talk black.” To quote Alpa Chino from Tropic Thunder, “YOU’RE AUSTRALIAN! BE AUSTRALIAN!”
PEOPLE WHO COMPLAIN ABOUT FAT SHAMING
America has a severe obesity problem. We’re a bunch of fat fucks. We eat chocolate bar bacon burgers with ice cream on them and chug down gallons of Pepsi while we sit on the couch watching shitty sitcoms. We need to address America’s waistline issues. But every time someone tries to say the USA is unhealthy, a bunch of chubby chicks on tumblr scream, “Fat shaming! Fat shaming! Fat shaming!” No, some people are just fat. Should we just pretend everyone is a supermodel with 6-pack abs so you don’t have to exercise or stop eating fried Twinkies dipped in gravy? America, the land of the delusional.
WALLY BRYTON (STILL)
He’s a piece of shit..
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