The world is filled to the brim with annoying asshats. We don’t have the time to list ALL of them, but here’s a list of people who need to shut the fuck up.
This one is obvious. Vegans are one of the few groups where all their stereotypes are 110% true. They’re pretentious, judgmental dipshits, and if they go 2 minutes without mentioning they’re a vegan they’ll literally explode.
Internet social justice warriors may be the most annoying people on the planet. They get offended by seemingly everything. You could say “the sky is blue” and they’ll find a reason to say that you’re being a racist, transphobic, albeist, heteronormative, misogynistic scumbag for saying that.
We get it, you do CrossFit. Stop mentioning it every 11 seconds at every party you ever go to. You’re a douchedick.
COMIC BOOK FANS
There’s nothing worse than grown-ass men who get into passionate, heated debates online about superhero movies. Your extremely detailed 7 paragraph facebook comment about why you hated Batman v Superman doesn’t make you look smart, it makes you look like a guy who has too much free time and has never heard of vaginas.
An Olympic liar (if such a thing were to exist) who tries way too hard to pander to millennials and looks like a murderous suburban soccer mom.
An orange, loud-mouthed egomaniac who feels like an unintentionally hilarious, real life cartoon character.
We get it, you don’t believe in God. Calm down, though. When you go out of your way to try to make other people atheists, you’re just being a pompous ass. Nobody gives a fuck about your clever little anti-religion rants. Get a life.
Stop forcing your views on other people and being morally uptight, self-righteous babies. You’re just as annoying as atheists in your own way.
No one cares about all the pretentious, liberal PC beliefs that you preach, or your boring TV show. Also, you literally admitted to sexually abusing someone in your memoir, so sit down, you unfunny hypocrite.
How the hell are you guys famous?! You do literally nothing. You’ve built a billion dollar empire on sex tapes and too much plastic surgery. Please just disappear from pop culture.
You’re still not in prison yet? Please just die of old age already, you jello-selling, ugly sweater-wearing creep. Go fuck yourself; you don’t need pills to do that.
Stop eating so many cheeseburgers or you’re eventually going to pop like a morbidly obese balloon. And stop shoving your pretentious documentaries in our faces, your overly liberal sensibilities are beyond exhausting.
Whenever I see your four-eyed face on the TV screen, I wonder if I accidentally turned on an SNL skit from 2008. You’re a clown; a machine that was designed to say hilariously unintelligent things. Stop exhausting yourself by trying to articulate your nonsensical thoughts.
Ugh, he’s the fucking worst. His articles are garbage.
It’s 2016 and you’re somehow still relevant; the world may never understand why. You’re a spoiled brat and your music sounds like a dying infant throwing pans at a wall.
You still have a career? How has an angry mobb not shoved a pitchfork up your ass for being such an unapologetic scumbag? Go home, Mr. Brown.
Stop complaining about the government trying to take away your guns, because they’re not gonna. Calm down, Billy-Ray. Do you still have all your guns? Yes? Exactly. Also, stop saying you’ll use your guns to protect yourself against a tyrannical government. The government has drones and nukes — you’d be fucked, cowboy.
Please burn your flannel shirt along with your comically oversized glasses and all your crappy music. Also, you’re never gonna finish that pretentious indie screenplay you’re trying to write. Either go to a cave or some overpriced organic coffeehouse in a gentrified neighborhood, you dickbag.
DUDES WHO STILL QUOTE BORAT
Don’t get me wrong, Borat is a classic. But it’s 10 years old now, so it’s time to retire your shitty “it’s nice!” lines. Move on.
No, I’m not gonna “check out your mixtape,” because it’s not “hot fire.” You’re not gonna make it, leave it to the professionals and please quit. This goes extra if you’re a white dude from the suburbs. Stop talking like Iggy Azalea, Chaz.
Stop bragging about your “audition,” its for a cereal commercial. There are millions of aspiring actors, your chances of making it are pretty much zero. Throw those headshots in the trash and don’t expect to ever leave that job at Applebee’s.
Beyonce is talented, but holy fuck stop worshipping her. She’s not some immortal goddess, she’s just a person like you and I. Get off her dick. Lemonade was good, but it wasn’t THAT good. Calm down, Becky.
Get a life.
Stop trying so hard to be edgy. We get it, you’re not Hannah Montana anymore. You’re bi, you got a boy haircut, you grind against people, get naked and lick hammers. No one cares.
OMG, you’re such a “normal person” because you trip a lot and you like pizza! LOL! You’re so charming and down to Earth! Jenny, please stop constantly reminding us how “ordinary” and “humble” you are. Also, stop being like, “I’m so fat, but I refuse to go on a diet!” Shut up, you’re the skinniest person in the world. You’re gonna make ACTUAL fat people feel even worse about themselves.
UBER DRIVERS WHO TALK TOO MUCH
I’m looking down at my phone for a reason. Stop telling me your life story and just get me to the bar, Brian.
Stop screaming so much and stop hogging all the chocolate cake.
Turn that shit off. This is America, we only watch sports where concussions are involved.
GIRLS WHO PUT FAMILY MEMBERS AS THEIR “MAN CRUSH MONDAY” ON INSTAGRAM
Seriously, what the fuck? That’s your father. What the hell is wrong with you, Kelly?
Yeah, anyone I didn’t mention? They all need to shut the fuck up too. You, me, everyone. Let’s all shut the fuck up..
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