A Man And His Meat

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A Man And His Meat

There are certain things that a real man holds dear to his heart. His word is his bond, his favorite sports team is the best and worst damn team on the planet, and his meat is essential to his survival. I would argue that a well-taken care of piece of meat is the most important thing to a man — its cleanliness and method of preparation being the surest sign of how much you value yourself. Discerning ladies who know their way around some pork take notice when they know you took your time to ensure that cutlet is just perfect, and they’ll be more likely to treat the meal with respect when it’s well taken care of.

Maybe you insist on marinating your meat before you warm it up, or maybe you prefer a nice dry rub to preserve its integrity. Some people scoff at a guy who only goes in dry, but that’s probably because they need a gallon of oil just to keep it somewhat juicy. Others insist that you have to flash cook it — in and out, bada bing, bada boom. The discerning man, however, knows that if he takes his sweet time slow cooking that bad boy, the payoff is better with age. Let it really smoke up, maybe even lay off for a little bit to keep the juices from leaking out too soon, and you’ll have that hot little piece of beef right where you want it. Oh God, I didn’t mean little. Stop crying. It’s okay. Even though we’re told that you need to work with a whole pound of Porterhouse, it’s a proven fact that with proper procedure you can even turn a sirloin with a little marbling into a damn feast. I said little again. Sorry.

Tenderizing your piece is key as well. Don’t just get after it fresh out of the fridge. You need to let it warm up a bit. When that grill’s fired up, you know you’ll be tempted to just smash right at it, but that will only lead to disappointment in yourself. You have to be firm, of course, but you also need to be gentle. Treat it like your friend, cause it’s the best friend you’ve got. Maybe give it a little tickle, and be sure to throw in a nice massage every once in a while. People say cooking alone is depressing, but after a long hard day all you really want is a little satisfaction.

When you’re sharing your meat with a guest, there are rules to ensure they enjoy the meal just as much as you do. If you just slap some franks on the grill and wait, they’ll be highly underwhelmed. Work with what they gave you. This ensures you’ll have a repeat consumer. When she brings over a nice moist pork chop, you STUFF THAT CHOP. A nice mushroom and some apples can fit in there as long as you don’t force them. You gotta ease it open before you really go to work. Be sure to give both ends equal attention during the cook, or you’ll end up with one that’s just the right shade of pink and another that’s blackened to a crisp. When you’re whipping up a quick batch, it’s important to remember that there’s a difference between “rare” and “medium rare.” Give it the extra time and victory will be much sweeter.

Of course, sometimes things go horribly wrong. Maybe something slipped through the grate, or maybe you just can’t get that grill started. Maybe your guest had a meeting to go to and you’re left high and dry. If that’s the case, make a few calls and get your meal over the phone. People say it’s despicable and a waste of money but those people can just fuck off. You can also slate your hunger online, at the Hub (GrubHub). If you’re really desperate, though, you can always take the easy way out and pass it off to Giada de Laurentiistickle for the evening. The result will be the same in the end, a feeling of satisfaction and some leftover juices you need to clean up.

Now if you’ll excuse me, my grill’s fired up and I have a bratwurst to rub.

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in the mountains of NC where he wrestles black bears and attempts to grow a beard. Karl gave up liquor following an unfortunate incident involving tequila and a vacuum cleaner, but he isn't above a nice stout on the porch.

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