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A Pre-Rush Checklist from The House Dad

Brothers, hope all is well, just need to talk a little business with you guys today. As you all know, rush is fast approaching, and there are a few concerns I have with the state of the house right now. Here’s a few things we need to take care of before rush if we don’t want to get shut down by administration, the FDA, or the fire department.

1. The fire closet is NOT an appropriate place to store kegs, hook up in, party in, or sleep in. We aren’t even allowed to have kegs so that one is obvious. As far as hooking up goes there are much softer surfaces upstairs, and it smells like shit in there, what the hell are you thinking? I don’t even know why you guys want to party in an 8×8 room but I don’t even bother asking anymore. And as far as sleeping goes…I’m just gonna say it could be a little awkward to explain to the Fire Marshall why you’re spooning a fire extinguisher asleep in there.

2. All of this theft needs to stop. I’m not even supposed to know about this kind of stuff, yet the other night you decide to carry a Beta composite into my shower. I don’t want it.

3. I really didn’t think I would need to tell you guys to clean. Way to surprise me again. I don’t know why you guys always decide to throw up/drop earth shattering deuces in the ladies restroom downstairs, but if we don’t have pledges who the fuck do you think is going to clean it? Newsflash- it’s not gonna be me. It’s almost been a decade since I pledged and I don’t plan on being elbows deep in a toilet ever again. For the love of God, just take care of it.

4. Hazing. I know you guys would never ever perform any kind of hazing. Obviously. We don’t ever do illegal things like that. All I’m saying is that if you did hypothetically have some planned “pledge bonding” time this semester, at least book me a hotel now so I don’t have to hear about it. Plausible deniability is the name of the game my friends. Oh and it might be a good idea to hide that goat at least until I get out of the parking lot this time. Just saying.

5. Last but not least, let’s try to at least make a moderate effort to conceal the drug paraphernalia. Yes, that trashcan sized gravity bong is badass, but I don’t think IFC would appreciate it quite the same way we do. I’ve also noticed a lot of white powder residue on the bars upstairs. I’m just gonna take the high road and assume it’s sugar. Just take care of it.

That’s all for now brothers, let’s just make sure to take care of this so we can have a successful and incident free rush. There will be plenty of time for illegal shit once the board of governors isn’t breathing down my neck. In the mean time, let’s try to take it easy.

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