A Sexual Guide to Slutty Halloween Costumes

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Nurse- Eager to give you an impromptu physical exam, just watch out if she asks to “take your temperature.” It might not be an oral thermometer.

Referee- Pray that she isn’t a replacement ref or she might try to jerk off your nipple.

Maid- Cleanliness is next to horniness. Probably not wearing underwear, bathroom quickie is a possibility. If you’re lucky, she’ll clean your room the next morning.

Playboy Bunny- Doesn’t know how to say “I really want to get fucked tonight” in any original way; tittyfuck potential is high.

Cheerleader- “We’ve got spirit, yes we do!” Let her show it by blowing you.

Schoolgirl- Isn’t afraid of a little corporal punishment. The shorter her skirt, the lower her morals.

Witch- Likely to put the real-world equivalent of a permanent magic curse on you (herpes).

Avatar- If you’ve got a smurf fetish, this girl is all yours. Just be cautious of her putting her living ponytail somewhere it doesn’t belong.

Hooter’s Girl- She probably worked at Hooter’s at some point in her life, therefore she has absolutely no shame.

Pirate- Undoubtedly will surrender the booty, just make sure that hook on her hand isn’t covering up a stump of a wrist.

Catwoman- In great shape, because fat people can’t pull off latex bodysuits. Downside: will take you 45 minutes of frustration to get her naked.

Dorothy- Make her keep the red slippers on, downside is she has a real thing for Asian guys (loves to follow the yellow brick road).

Marilyn Monroe- If you’re dressed as any US president (except maybe Obama) she’ll be riding on your Commander-in-Chief in no time at all.

Tinkerbelle- Ask her to share a line of her magic “fairy dust.” You’ll feel like you’re flying in no time.

Sailor- Pink lips at night, frat boy’s delight. Red stains in the morning, frat boy’s warning.

Police Officer- Pros: she has handcuffs. Cons: she also has the key to said handcuffs.

Angel- This girl is an absolutely wild semen-siphoner who lives in denial of her sexually deviant ways.

Gymnast- Flexible. Enough said.

Pocahontas- Would be more than happy to let you paint her chest with all the colors of the wind.

Devil- Has committed every sin in the book, and has no problem going out for a few repeat offenses.

Football Player- Just make sure she isn’t in the “red zone.”

Bumble Bee- Ironically, she’s the one who wants to get stung.

Bottle of Liquor- Spends about 35 seconds per night sober on average. Will blow you for a shot of Burnett’s.

101 Dalmations- Usually in a large matching group. If you pull off a 102-some, you will become a god.

Librarian- Wear a condom, or you might be dealing with the ultimate late fee.

White Trash- Fuck it, it’s the only day of the year when fucking a white trash girl will make you feel good about yourself.

Spice Girl- Just tell her what you want, what you really really want.

Flight Attendant- She’s more than happy to hop on board your 747, don’t forget the complimentary nuts.

Army Girl- Servicing your genitals, and serving your country. What could be better?

Risky Business- Didn’t even bother to wear pants. Clearly is looking for that old time rock and roll (the kind of sex that just soothes the soul).


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