A Strongly Worded Letter to “That Girl”
Dear “That Girl”
After much consideration and evaluation between Hot Piece and myself, we felt it entirely necessary to get the message out there. Part of being “That Girl” is that you have no idea just how “That Girl” you are, but the rest of the sorority populace needs you to grow and self-reflect until you stop being a fucking annoying attention whore. Hopefully by the end of this letter you will realize that you are, indeed, “That Girl,” wake from your un-self-aware stupor and shut the fuck up finally. Ready? Me too!
Allow me to clear up a few misconceptions you may have about yourself. Do you find yourself with few friends that are the proud owners of a vagina? Do you often refer to girls who don’t really gel with you as ‘jealous’ since you have so many ‘guy friends’? If you answered yes, there’s an overwhelming probability that you may be “That Girl.” Believe me, every school has at least one, and if you asked around, every female with any sense at all will be able to identify the “That Girl”s on campus. We all think it’s precious that you think we’re jealous of the male attention you get. But guess what! That’s not the kind of attention girls like us go for. We get attention by being funny, charming, and a lady. You get attention by being a skank. See the difference? This is why we don’t like you. Think long and hard about your close friends. If it consists of one or two girls who are just as skanky as you are, and guys that are trying to fuck you, it’s time to evaluate your life choices. Even though I personally don’t like you at all, there must be SOMETHING of value to you besides suggestive tweets and nudie pics that will get a guy to think twice about you or hang out with you.
Speaking of hanging out with guys, “That Girl” constantly refers to herself as a guys’ girl and talks about all of her best buddies. Silly rabbit, “buddies” are for girls who know how to keep their legs closed. I’m going to let you in on a little secret: if he wants to fuck you, he’s not your friend. Literally the only reason these boys hang around you is because they want to get it in, if they haven’t already. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those people who doesn’t think guys and girls can be friends. I have several guy friends, and there are a lot of girls out there who also have legitimate male friends. The difference is they’ve never seen us naked. How did we achieve this? We have something to offer besides sending them titty pictures to keep them around. It’s called a good personality.
I try very hard to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and see the good in others, but you make it difficult for everyone. I think it’s because there isn’t much good underneath that tacky, low-rent exterior. We all have our insecurities, but you have to find something besides being an overt whore to find validation. The number of guys who want to take you to pound town impresses no one. So on behalf of the classy sorority girls out there, I beg you to take your bad dye job out into the world and find another purpose in life, because from here there’s nowhere to go but down…Literally.